Charas-Project
Off-Topic => All of all! => Topic started by: Zerlina on December 28, 2013, 11:00:52 PM
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Curious if anyone here has tried it and what their experience was/is like.
Just started trying it out. Not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing :-/.
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My father and brother both met their love mate on dating sites. My brother has been with his girlfriend for a couple years and had 2 kids with her. My father has been with the same woman for 8-9 years. Both had ups and downs, but are still standing strong.
I know some people could probably tell some horror stories related to dating sites, but I personally haven't heard anything really bad happening from people I know. In fact, I'd have more bad stories related to non-online dating.
I've personally considered registering, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure. Then again, low self-esteem and such.
One good thing is you can get to know someone better before actually meeting them. Yet, at the same time, it's not like lying online is that hard. Gender probably plays a role as well. I feel like girls are more likely to receive uninteresting messages since lots of guys just want some pants to get in, whereas girls tend to be more selective since they'd want more than just physical teamwork. Of course, that's mere assumptions, I could be entirely wrong.
Anyway, I'd say, go for it. Despite the bad stories you can hear, it can work pretty well. Just don't accept any suspicious invitations, just like offline dating.
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I've had a whopping no luck, but I hear that's not true for a lot of people. It seems pretty legit.
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My friend just posted about catching an amazing man. And that was through match.com.
If testimonials are anything, apparently its just a faster way to pick through weeds, but careful some weeds are terrible apparently.
Now if I could only find a place to find new reliable friends.
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My sister met her fiance through online dating. He's a dork.
Honestly, I have nothing against it. I've met most of my girlfriends in college, and even though I'm not single now, I'd imagine if I were, it'd be a lot more difficult finding a girlfriend since graduating. Honestly, a lot of the time people don't date, is because it's difficult to meet people. If the internet can be used to bring people together with similar interest, it can certainly be used to start intimate relationships.
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I tried it once for a few weeks, but quickly grew bored with it. A lot of friends have told me that online dating sites are full of creeps, so finding anyone worth while is like finding that needle in a hay stack. Personally, I prefer to meet people in person. Sure I make friends online, but I don't see myself gaining feelings for anyone that I haven't ever met.
I'm sure a lot of people have different experiences, but in my opinion, the best way to meet people is to get away from your computer, go out, and actually meet people.
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I suppose it's like any other place you can find partners. Some are good, some are bad. Some are serious, some just wants something casual.
And just like outside online dating, don't rush into things, take your time and don't go out with people who seem wierd. Also expect like 50% of the stuff they tell you to be lies or something. Also, I suppose that some sites are better than others.
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My brother met his current partner of a few years through online dating. I've had some friends try it out with minimal success. Like purp says, it can work, it can fail.
I gave it a shot once for a week or two. I was really not into it. I found it pretty awkward and stuff. but I also feel if I really gave it a shot it could've worked out once I got used to it. I say you don't really have anything to lose from trying it out
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Talking with someone through text or i guess instant messaging is different from personal encounters. You're more comfortable using technology to converse with people you barely know or know quite well. But then you meet in person and it might be awkward because you're used to not staring them in the eyes. If you're good at communicating in person, its not much of a problem.
I'd personally would rather meet someone in person first. Bang out some introductions and break the first layer of ice. Then you can continue to chissel away the next layer through texts or other forms of technological communications. So then next time you see them you both with be a little more comfortable with each other and since you've learned more about them through text, you can talk about common interests in person. And then when you shatter the final layer, you'll be able to talk about the most random topics and continue a chain of conversations until one of you gets sick of the other person.
That being said, I'd rather have online dating as a last resort. If you're an awkward or shy person, meeting someone through the internet and encountering them in person afterwards will still be kind of hard. Plus their picture might have been deceiving or their voice may irritate you or they may have bad hygiene. That's just me though, like i said, i'd rather meet someone in person first. Never again will i talk with someone through phone text before meeting them! Why? Because when i finally saw their true form and made a girly yelp! (not to their fsce, facebook pics lol).
And to the people here who think they're hideous, there is somebody that will be attracted to you! Just be sure to be fresh and clean. Washy washy! Show that you can take care of your body!
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There's more to it than just cleanness, though.
Both online and "offline" dating have goods and bads. Many factors come into play.
I mean, you could chat with someone who seems interesting, but then find out it's not the same in person. But you could also see someone interesting, and find out that person is actually as interesting as the lines that separate the sidewalks.
For some people, online will be last resort. For other, it'll be just another method.
In both cases you can be disappointed. In both cases you can be satisfied. It all depends what kind of person you are, who you are looking for... and who you find. Yes, sure, people can lie online, but they can lie in person as well. Online usually allows you to "know" a person better beforehand (assuming the person is honest, of course) whereas in person, you see the physical appearance before anything, and then you get to know the person. People usually have some info on their page, so you can be a bit more selective. In person, you can't really do that as much.
But as Drenrin said, there is nothing to lose from trying.
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Hooray for me! :D
But yeah, my final stance is that it's no more or less as good or bad a way to meet someone as in any other setting. Bars suck as bad as okcupid. (which makes me wonder if part of the reason people find online dating sites so awkward or weird is because there's only one reason you would talk to someone on said site. Where as in other social settings you can easily sidestep that.) But if you're at a bar, or if you're on okcupid, then surely there might be someone else as awesome as you are there as well, or was there or will be there at some point. Kind of like learning a new language. My 8th grade Spanish teacher used to try to encourage us to learn the language if not for the cultural diversity than at least to expand our dating pool. xD
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i typed my last response using my gamepad. That took longer than i wanted it to lol.
I feel like i would come off as desperate if I were too use an online dating site. Plus as someone has mentioned before, it's much easier to lie about your gender, personality and all the other important factors.
On the subject of finding people at a bar. That's where I'd rather not find one. I would prefer a girl who doesn't drink or at least barely does. Drunk girls disgust me honestly. Yeah, i know, finding a girl at a bar doesn't automatically mean they drink a lot, if at all. But... the odds favor the drinking majority.
I just want to find a girl that is fun in her sober state and enjoys doing a variety of different things. One that's willing to try different things such as rock climbing, hiking, random sport, etc. And if you are like that and I'm not attracted to you, sorry. Both requirements must be met lol. And no, that's not being picky either. If I'm not attracted to you, you get friend-zoned. You can say its who the person is that matters, physical attractiveness still plays a role, even it is a small one.
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I've tried quite a few online sites and honestly? It's not as useful really. Mostly cause nobody has a system where you can talk unlimitedly for free on the site. It's all pay per chat or DL this engine or blah blah blah... And even if I find somebody usually I find she's too pyshically active or isn't geeky enough. =/ Sigh. I just want a girl who enjoys debating Battlestar or can speak Klingon or can tal FF without getting bored. Seems there's not allot in my area though...And I worry that dating somebody five states away won't work out. ^^ So I haven't had the best of experience with these things, though I did have one positive online "dating" moment....Phayre. =P But then AFL got the way and made things weird. >.<
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I agree on the nerdy front. Honestly, what I'm finding is that people either aren't nerdy enough, or if they are, they have no motivation to do anything besides play video games and watch anime.
I just want a nerd who actually wants to do something with his life... and likes to cuddle and watch Walking Dead >.<.
I met a really nice guy the other night for what it counts. Unfortunately, to make a long story short, at the end of the night he decided to take a vow of celibacy.
I'm not even kidding.
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Unfortunately, to make a long story short, at the end of the night he decided to take a vow of celibacy.
I'm not even kidding.
This is a story I simply have to hear.
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at the end of the night he decided to take a vow of celibacy.
Yikes, that's worse than turning him gay.
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Ah. See that's something else that I thought online dating might be hard on; Specific lifestyles.
Like it's probably good for the random general mass, but for like Zerls here, if she's looking for something specific, it might be hard. Don't give that up though, and be like my friend who hates hockey and keeps going to hockey games with her bf. She's passing through that one phase where you withstand the things you don't like for the sake of moving things forward.
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Sort of...but I don't feel like "slightly nerdy, motivated, and has their **** together" is really all THAT specific.
Uhm, yeah...well...we really liked each other. So pretty TLDR, but since you asked...
He invited me to the museum for our first date; I have to say, it's the first time I've ever gone to the museum and not looked too much at the exhibits, because the conversation was much more interesting. We talked about everything from Horkheimer, and misinterpretations of Nietzsche, to whether or not FFVII was a good game. We ended up talking about the things we’ve experienced growing up, our struggles, values, where we made mistakes, and where we made good decisions etc. We spoke about many things that neither of us usually admitted to others - it just felt safe to. It was also the first time I felt I could talk candidly with someone without having to limit my vocabulary, the subject matter, or sensor myself- in fact, I hadn’t realized how much I usually sensor and limit what I say, until I was actually free to speak how I thought... it was an incredible experience. And it wasn’t just me talking and the person being impressed, or replying with irrelevant things because they don’t understand; nor was it me just listening to someone run their mouth off whilst pretending to be interested because they’re cute. He was actually offering new examples, arguments, etc., changing my perception of things, and allowing me to change his views with my arguments as well. Rather than asking contrived dating questions, it seemed like he was actually really interested in hearing what I had to say about complex sociological, philosophical, and psychological topics- you know what? I was genuinely interested in hearing what he had to say, too.
We shared so many similar views and where we disagreed we were able to effectively debate with each other; I have problems concentrating sometimes when people talk a lot, but I actually found myself genuinely interested in what he had to say. He had plans to meet a friend for a movie afterward, but wanted to talk more, so he invited me along. It was this really unusual feeling- instead of leaving feeling giddy because I was incredibly infatuated with someone, I came home and felt like I had spent a really meaningful evening with an old friend I had known once but hadn’t seen in a long time.
We met up a few days later. He invited me over to play chess and have tea, and we had a really good time again; we were actually equally matched in chess (I was impressed), and he even figured out, just from what I’d told him about how my Dad thinks, that it was my Dad who taught me how to effectively play. We talked for hours (at one point completely forgetting about the game), and he cooked dinner. Things seemed to be going well, but then the more we talked (we were talking about some of our vices, how we dealt with them, and where we would like to improve), the more it became clear that he had a crucial unresolved issue- when I pointed out what the source of that issue might be, he was actually very reflective about it. Long story short, I kind of helped him realize that before he could love anyone there was one more thorn he’d need to remove. He actually thought about what I said, decided he needed time to work on it, and that to effectively do it, he would go through a year of asteticism. He asked if he could call me in a year; I said okay. Honestly, if it happens that’s great, and if not, oh well!
I was disappointed, but happy for him nonetheless, because I think he is a truly remarkable person that wants to make the most out of life and isn’t afraid to face his demons. I really admire and respect that.
On my end, I feel like I have renewed hope. I’ve never had an experience like that before, and it taught me more about what I want; not just intelligence, but unpretentious intelligence, emotional intelligence, self-reflection, and dignity. I’m just very grateful to have had that experience, because it changed me- I think for the better.
TLDR: I went on an amazing date, where the guy ended up taking a year-long vow of celibacy at the end. I’m okay with it, though, and am grateful for the experience.
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That sounds... Nice. I doubt I'd be able to keep that up for long, though, as I'm a naturally bashful person with rather limited interests (though I invest very heavily in them), so I'd be unable to keep up a conversation with someone I'd only just met for very long, especially if it's not a subject I'm already well-versed in. I'm a rather well-spoken person with a lot of fun thoughts rattling around in my head, and when in the company of people I know well, the censorship is turned off and I can be downright weird (though I like to think it's in a fun way). You've all seen my antics around here, so you get the picture.
But I guess what I'm saying is, it sounds really nice to find someone who you can connect with that well and that quickly, even if the ending was less than satisfying. I find it hard to reach that level of interpersonal connection even with people I've known for years. Few people really share my views and interests, and I get a nagging feeling that those that do are being a little dishonest. It's too bad that the guy decided to take some time away from the dating world; that sounds like it could have gone somewhere. Have you tried to establish a friendship that isn't necessarily sexually oriented? Dating and looking for a boyfriend is one thing, but establishing a friendship should always be an option, especially if you guys clicked that well.
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Sounds skiddish to me. How old was he?
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Well that sounds pretty cool. Sounds like he could've taken the easier route and pay a visit to the good ol' therapist though. If it was that sort of issue.
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I just went on a date with a girl who was 6 years older than me, lives with her transvestite ex's son, and has a son of her own that lives with her husband (yes they're still married). She practices polyamory, meaning she's dating several other people right now (her husband and 2 or 3 girls). She is somehow going to Berkeley for pre-med, but at the same time said she was homeless for a little while in Oakland. Oh, she also was telling me that that she had PTSD, autism, was held captive by some men for a bit, and was admitted to a hospital several times for attempted suicide. I don't think there is going to be a second date.
Your date on the other hand sounds amazing.
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All this bullshit.
What the fucking even.
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Db, isnt all that shyat supposed to be in someones profile before you know going into a date?
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Polyamory. I have heard of exactly two cases of that and, spoilers, neither ended well.
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Db, isnt all that shyat supposed to be in someones profile before you know going into a date?
Well I met her on a plane, she gave me a book and then wrote her number in it. Perhaps I need to take another look at online dating so I can figure out all that crazy stuff before hand haha.
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Maybe we should just convert this into the "Charas Dating Stories Thread" it might be more fun that way XD.
And wow, DB, that really sucks- but was it at least worth the story? Or did she end up doing a bunch of collateral damage as the crazies tend to do?
BTW, I don't know you in real life, but I can pretty confidently say that you don't deserve that; sorry you had to put up with that shittiness.
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Maybe we should just convert this into the "Charas Dating Stories Thread" it might be more fun that way XD.
And wow, DB, that really sucks- but was it at least worth the story? Or did she end up doing a bunch of collateral damage as the crazies tend to do?
BTW, I don't know you in real life, but I can pretty confidently say that you don't deserve that; sorry you had to put up with that shittiness.
Haha sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread at all, I just had to give that story as a comparison.
Oh, and it was definitely worth the story. She told me about all of this pretty early on our date, so it's not like she was lying to me or deceiving me about anything, so it wasn't like I was hurt or anything. She did go kinda crazy when I said I didn't want to go on a second date, but that's her other girlfriends' problem now. Luckily I never told her where I lived.
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I actually dated a guy I met online for about a month in a half. He was kinda hipster-ish, seemed to have the inability to gain weight, fit like a mofo and really liked videogames (RPGs specifically). Probably best relationship I ever had, but he went off to grad school for organic chemistry and he would have been there for 6 years straight with no summer or winter breaks while he got his masters and PhD six hours north of me. Unfortunately that wasn't really the ideal situation for me so I broke it off since I was going to be in my undergrad for another 3 semesters at least.
Needless to say my friends told me I was slightly insane when they found out I broke up with him. The awkward thing was he had just broken up with a his girlfriend of 2 years the week before we started dating and didn't tell me until a few weeks in. That was weird. That and when he was leaving to go to grad school I went on a vacation I had been planning with friends two years in advance to go 8 hours south.
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Zerl, it's kinda hard seeing you type about how hard it is to find a good date when as far as I can tell you're basically the perfect woman >_>
Interesting dating stories... I dunno! The trouble is I haven't really had any one night stands or anything like that. All my dating stories are too personal to joke about, really :s
And certainly not as wild as DB's... : p
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That doesn't sound creepy at all.
I say it's quite believable, though. No matter how good you may look and how awesome you can be, it's more than likely that you will attract people you do not want to date.
I wish I had some interesting stories as well, but alas I don't. Maybe if I went out more... but that's beyond my capabilities at the moment.
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I guess my problem is that the type of people I attract are not the kinds of people that I want to be with. To be fair, I think it's mostly to do with age. I really value humility, ambition, empathy, intelligence, and emotional awareness, but it seems like guys my age that are attracted to me are mostly douchey, egotistical, emotionally unstable, and are more interested in drinking or showing each other up; on the other end, all the nerdy guys I've dated seem to lack ambition, or they're more interested in the idea of having a girlfriend, rather than in me as an individual. I meet a lot of guys that are looking to latch onto a girl that's going to "fix" their lives somehow, but I don't believe that's a thing that can work. I feel like as we become adults we have the choice to acknowledge our flawed beliefs and responses in order to change them and grow, OR to dwell on all the ways we think the universe screwed us and how we deserve so much more. I guess I feel like I fit more in the former category, and I want to meet others who do, too. It just seems like either people have made the latter choice, or they're not at the point where that choice is evident yet.
You wouldn't think it would be hard to meet someone who can admit to themselves that they're not perfect, that know when they were in the wrong (and why), that don't feel the need to show everyone else up, and that see a relationship as an opportunity to give rather than just an opportunity to get. But it's actually excruciatingly hard, especially in a culture that encourages suspended adolescence, and consumerist selfishness.
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Yeah I wasn't being entirely serious; I know it's always hard to find the right person no matter who you are. I am in a relationship at the moment but it's so ridiculously complicated... I almost feel like it's turning me into a nastier person in a way.
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I can't be the ONLY person with crazy dating stories. But alas, I guess I can throw another one out there. Note that this was five years ago when I was 20, and wasn't as bad as it sounds. So this girl that I pseudo met online (we had a mutual friend, but neither of us was close to that friend), and we started talking. She said she didn't have a car but wanted to hang out, but she didn't want to hang out at her place (this was the first red flag). Naturally I though this was fishy, and never arranged for us to actually hang out. Well one night, I get a call from her, saying she was left and abandoned at the McDonalds close to my apartment, and she asked if she could come over because otherwise she had to sleep on the street. Well of course I wasn't an ***hole, so I picked her up and took her back to my place. She really wanted to watch Twilight since I had it before it was out on DVD (second red flag, and it's another long story as to why I had that movie). I sat on the other side of the couch as her, and all throughout the movie she started inching closer and closer to me, until finally near the end of the movie, she leaned in and started to try and kiss me, but I pushed her away and asked how old she was. She told me 18, but I had my doubts, so all we ended up doing was cuddling. When it came time for bed, she insisted in sleeping in the same bed as me, and I allowed it. Several times during the night she tried starting things, but I kept pushing her away. Finally we both fell asleep.
She woke me up early in the morning looking terrified. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she just got a voice mail from her father saying that if she wasn't home in 10 minutes, he was going to call the cops and file a report saying she was kidnapped. I wasn't really worried and said "You're 18, he can't call the cops because you didn't come home". That's when she told me that she was actually only 15. I immediately told her to get in the car, and I drove her back to her place, fully expecting to be questioned/arrested when I dropped her off. Thank god we didn't do anything, and she said that she would tell the cops that as well. Luckily when I got to her place, there weren't any cops or anything, but then she made the comment, "I'm so glad my dad isn't waiting out here with his gun". I told her to get out of the car and sped away before the situation got any worse.
For the next few weeks she kept IMing me that she wanted to have sex. Which is when I blocked her IM and phone. For the next year, she called me at least once a week from unknown or random numbers, leaving me messages, and I even saw her walking around outside of my apartment a few times. She was full on stalking me to the point where I was creeped out. Luckily that stopped after a year, but she still tries to call me here and there, the most recent time being a few months ago.
To be honest, I have a lot of crazy dating stories and met a lot of crazy people. Luckily I have dated a lot of normal girls and had several relationships that lasted 1 ~ 2 years and a bunch more that were 1 - 6 months (my shortest was a 24 hours).
I guess my problem is that the type of people I attract are not the kinds of people that I want to be with. To be fair, I think it's mostly to do with age. I really value humility, ambition, empathy, intelligence, and emotional awareness, but it seems like guys my age that are attracted to me are mostly douchey, egotistical, emotionally unstable, and are more interested in drinking or showing each other up; on the other end, all the nerdy guys I've dated seem to lack ambition, or they're more interested in the idea of having a girlfriend, rather than in me as an individual. I meet a lot of guys that are looking to latch onto a girl that's going to "fix" their lives somehow, but I don't believe that's a thing that can work. I feel like as we become adults we have the choice to acknowledge our flawed beliefs and responses in order to change them and grow, OR to dwell on all the ways we think the universe screwed us and how we deserve so much more. I guess I feel like I fit more in the former category, and I want to meet others who do, too. It just seems like either people have made the latter choice, or they're not at the point where that choice is evident yet.
You wouldn't think it would be hard to meet someone who can admit to themselves that they're not perfect, that know when they were in the wrong (and why), that don't feel the need to show everyone else up, and that see a relationship as an opportunity to give rather than just an opportunity to get. But it's actually excruciatingly hard, especially in a culture that encourages suspended adolescence, and consumerist selfishness.
Luckily for you, a lot of guys grow out the whole douchey, egotistical and emotionally unstable part over time. Girls (at least some of them) tend to mature faster, but it shouldn't be long before the guys catch up.
As for the bit about nerdy guys lacking ambition, etc, well that is true about a lot of nerdy guys, but then there are those nerdy guys who use their nerdyness to get ahead and get great jobs. I live in Silicon Valley, and that pretty much describes everyone out here. It's kind of awesome because us nerds rule the land, but at the same time, it's around 90% guys lol.
Yeah I wasn't being entirely serious; I know it's always hard to find the right person no matter who you are. I am in a relationship at the moment but it's so ridiculously complicated... I almost feel like it's turning me into a nastier person in a way.
Dude, you got to get out of that ****. I'm no expert, but when you find the right person it'll just click. If she makes your life complicated, or if you're not simply happier that your with her, she probably isn't for you. I don't know your situation, but it's always a shame to waste your time on the wrong person because then you're continuously missing opportunities to meet the right person.
In any case, good luck man.
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Thanks for the advice, DB. I'm thinking of taking some time to just work on my career and do some travelling and volunteering, so maybe by the time I'm done the men my age will have caught up XD.
Also, your dating stories are horrifically fantastic. I can't believe how much willpower you had, either. Was it super obvious that she was really young? Or were you just not into the whole casual sex thing?
Yeah, I agree...Moosetroop- you're the only one here who knows your relationship, but if something is causing you a ton of strife and is really complicated all the time, then it's probably not a healthy relationship. Take it from someone who's been in a lot of bad ones...if you've been together a while ask yourself if you would like to either break up or get married. You don't have to get married, but if "break up" looks really apealling, then it's probably the right choice.
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Thanks for the advice, DB. I'm thinking of taking some time to just work on my career and do some travelling and volunteering, so maybe by the time I'm done the men my age will have caught up XD.
If there's ever a great time to do that stuff, it's when your young. It's pretty much my plan right now as with my job I can get relocated nearly anywhere in the world every six months for the first two years, before I finalize my position, so it's pretty much impossible to settle down with anyone. I won't prevent that from letting me go on dates, which led me to go on the date with the crazy lady in my first post, but it means I don't care and I'm not looking. I have to say, it's awesome to be able to focus on developing yourself and checking off things on your bucket list now.
Also, your dating stories are horrifically fantastic. I can't believe how much willpower you had, either. Was it super obvious that she was really young? Or were you just not into the whole casual sex thing?
Sadly, I have quite a few horrific dating stories, but luckily at the same time, I'm often not hurt by my terrible experiences and find that they make hilarious stories. I have many more stories, not quite as extreme as the first two, but those can wait for another day.
As for willpower. I definitely thought she was 18, but I could tell something was fishy or off, which made me not want to do anything. As for other cases, I have a strict rule of only having sex with girls I'm actually dating, which has actually saved my ass several times.
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I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but I'm hearing a lot of excuses. Exactly HOW much do some of you expect to have in common with a girl worthy of your grace? If a girl is in the same place as you, at the same time, that already says enough. People have it in their heads that they MUST find their soul mate. That's all good and fine, but it ain't going to happen on the first try, that's for sure. How do you know what your favorite food is, if you haven't tried anything other than hamburgers? The best piece of advice I can think of, is to stop over thinking it, and take what you can get at first. That might sound like bad advice, but as long as you aren't in any physical danger, you're only going to gain experience from it. I've date probably around 10 girls, 3 of which turned into serious relationships (I'm not a record holder by any means.). I dated about 3 girls in highschool, and found it to only be annoying. Flash-forward to college, I went the 'I'm in college, I have the opportunity to meet girls with similar interest' route, and ended up with a complete psychopath. Taking that experience, I broadened my views a little, and instead of looking for a girl that hit all the targets, I started looking for girls that hit one or two. I ended up in a relationship with a Japanese girl I met at parties. She was a bit crazy, and unstable, which caused it to end pretty quickly. However, upon evaluating my experiences so far, I realized that dating a Japanese girl was the most fun, as she didn't play videogames at all, but we both had a similar goal, learn each others language. The rest of our interests we had the magic of sharing with each other, instead of arguing which Final Fantasy had the best music, we taught one another about our hobbies, and had more fun in the process. I learned a lot about her, but here's the key point, I learned more about myself.
Really that's all there is to the first few relationships you're in. Don't expect it to be final, and don't expect it to be perfect. Have fun with it, and learn what exactly you ARE looking for in a relationship. You get better at dating, and it gets easier as you go, so don't cripple yourself by not even trying. Get out there, and do what you do best. Someone will appreciate it, and finding love will be easier than you think.
It took me a month to learn that my current girlfriend actually DOES like video games, and the same ones as me, at that.
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It took me a month to learn that my current girlfriend actually DOES like video games, and the same ones as me, at that.
I don't see how this could take a month, but anyway.
Apex makes a point here, people tend to look for people who are just like them. It's kinda narcissistic I suppose... Right, so when it comes to sharing most interests, and tastes and stuff, that's what I look for in friends(like you guys). People to hang out with, doing the kind of things that we both enjoy doing, talking about all the things we agree or disagree on.
My 'gal on the other hand is not a gamer of any kind, a person who thinks the first level of super mario is the most difficult thing ever created by mankind. This might seem surprising considering how much I play games, but y'know, she accepts me and the things I do and I return that respect to her. Sure, it might be boring not to bring her along for a weekend LAN, but at the same time it's kinda nice to be able to focus on the gang with the gang and on the gal with the gal.
We're still pretty similar personality-wise though, connect on other levels besides hobbies and we have kinda changed each other during our time together (for the better, I hope) and stuff. And yeah, that works for me.
Dating stories on the other hand. I have like none. This one date went good but we realized right there that there was no future for it. Another date went really good, but my lack of attention(or social competence) made me miss all those things I should've done to show interest.
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I hear what you're saying, and I think that that's actually a prevalent myth in our society- nobody's perfect so make it work. I used to believe that, then I realized what flawed logic it is, because it hinges on the assumption that it's better to be with someone who isn't exactly right for you, than to be alone.
After seeing a couple who I can honestly say "there are no two people on earth more perfect for each other," I realized that if it's not "that good" then it's not worth the emotional investment. Of course it takes work, they're not a perfect couple, and they fight sometimes- but their values, intelligence, and love for each other are so in line, and they always act like each others' best friend. It's hard to explain in person, but the energy they bring to a room is really inspiring. And I've seen this with older couples as well, who are very happy with each other.
I think what it comes down to is that accepting that no one will be absolutely perfect, and not looking for a clone of yourself, but looking for someone who's at the same level of awareness and has the same values. Call it narcissistic if you will, but if I spend a lot of time working on myself, going to therapy, being self-critical, and conciously making decisions to improve myself as a person; I've also started my own business, and built a fairly good career in a really difficult industry that requires a lot of discipline, hard work, and organization. Why would I date someone who wants to play CoD all day, and completely ignore his inner life? It's similar to working out- I work out over 5x a week, and am in arguably good shape; what's wrong with looking for a partner who's in similar shape, who puts in the same amount of time and effort as me, and who really treats their body as something sacred?
I'm really not unhappy being single, so to settle for a relationship with someone that's going to tie me down but not be fulfilling is not something that I'm interested in. I used to be, and all I had were relationships where the other person didn't fulfill me but I was there for them anyway until they were done (Fred met my ex, so I'm sure he can contest to my partner's apathy). I've just found these people to be really draining, time consuming, and selfish- but I kept giving because I believed in the myth "just make it work." And that's my fault, my responsibility, and my job to fix; I have to go after people who are emotionally "in shape," and -hey- can carry on a conversation about something that we mutually find interesting, because otherwise it's not worth the effort.
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And now Emi makes an even more important point.
Being alone is nothing to be ashamed of, most of my friends are single and have been for a long time. Some of them have even ignored the possibility to like, lose their virginity and stuff, to chicks who were totally into them, because it didn't feel right. Some times during the year they go out and find someone and maybe they date for a while, they change a little for their partner's sake. But they usually realize that there's no future to it, most of the time the explanation is "we didn't want the same things out of life". Or someone is a bit crazy(not the kind of crazy magnet like DB though), and then they go back to being single again. No big deal.
And no, I wouldn't say that you are narcissistic. Apex said "ain't going to happen on the first try", and I'm pretty sure that your experience with men (including the one I met) for whom you did everything but got nothing in return, you deserve to set your hopes high. 'Cuz as you said. You do not mind being alone, and that insight itself is to me, proof that you are past senseless dating for the sake of having a hubby. You don't have to settle, you should reach for someone who's worth the trouble.
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I don't really have any crazy dating stories. Though I did have sex on a pool table at my favorite bar with a girl I barely knew. We ended up dating... well, more like hooking up for the next 8 months. That was super strange. We would literally get together and just talk, drink and bang. And then she moved to Puerto Rico. So yeah, that's really unlike me. all my other dating stories are rather predictable and laid back: Girl meets boy, they date, they make it facebook official or whatever, a few months/years later they break up, super sad and wah. But it was really nice. Sometimes we would just talk to each other for hours about our lives and what we wanted to do and when we broke it off everything was kosher.
I've been single now for almost a year and I've been more fine with it than I ever have before. I've thought about trying the dating pool and there have been girls I've tried to get to go out on a date with me but have failed to for one reason or another. But everything is fine, I don't feel rushed to be in a relationship. I think people place too much value on being in a relationship rather than who they are in a relationship with. I also think people continuously trip over the difference between attraction and love.
By the way, fellow charasians, you are the only online community with which I will speak so candidly too about this stuff. Granted, being online and all kind of nullifies that sentiment, but whatever.
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I hear what you're saying, and I think that that's actually a prevalent myth in our society- nobody's perfect so make it work. I used to believe that, then I realized what flawed logic it is, because it hinges on the assumption that it's better to be with someone who isn't exactly right for you, than to be alone.
Sorry, but you missed the point. I said nobody is going to find 'the perfect person' on their first try. You need dating experience, or you're most certainly going to get married and have kids with a person you THOUGHT was perfect, then spend the rest of your life regretting it.
Dating is like eating: you think you're favorite food is broccoli, but that's only because you haven't tasted pizza yet. Better yet, put broccoli on the pizza, experiment a little and you'll find what tastes the best for yourself. You'll never know until you try.
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"You need dating experience, or you're most certainly going to get married and have kids with a person you THOUGHT was perfect, then spend the rest of your life regretting it."
I'm sorry, that seems a bit presumptuous to me. No doubt people should certainly do everything they can to try and make sure their partner is the one they want to have kids with. I mean, to support what you've said the divorce rate in the US is pretty high at around 50%, last I checked. But that leaves another 50% of marriages that last long term. Never mind that getting married in the first place is kind of a dubious choice (IMO), I feel too many people get married too young. and by young I mean before they're 30.
and besides, even if divorce happens, the only painful part of it is financial and legal battles, which is mainly why I don't like marriage. But back to the point, jesus I've been rambling lately, the kids aren't going to suddenly become mistakes and the relationship you had isn't suddenly going to no longer mean anything. That's one thing I don't get, why people feel the need to look back on past relationships as failures. Asides from past relationships that are, in fact, complete and spectacular failures, people change and sometimes relationships don't survive the years. That alone doesn't make what was had in the moment mean anything less.
... though I love the pizza analogy haha
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nobody is going to find 'the perfect person' on their first try.
Statistically speaking, it's bound to happen eventually.
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Probably being the only person with a long standing relationship (4.5 years), I can say that Apex is 100% right.
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Probably being the only person with a long standing relationship (4.5 years), I can say that Apex is 100% right.
I guess I'm just really bad at vocalizing my opinions. Apex is right, people need to take their time and really make sure their current partner is someone they can have kids with before hand. I just think the event of having kids with a partner is much more complicated than simple telling people, "make sure they're the one."
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Statistically speaking, it's bound to happen eventually.
I did, first and only relationship for 7 years now.
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On the subject of online dating (I think that's what the thread was about?), I met my boyfriend online (not on a dating site), we got together in August, still one of them "online relationships", but I've spend the past couple months getting my passport and visa and I'll be staying with him in July for a month.
On the subject of dating local people: I had to date a girl with whom I had absolutely nothing in common with in order to realize that, ****, I did not want to do that ever again. I was pretty lonely at the time and was, in other words, willing to take whatever I could get - but that experience made me chill the **** out and wait for someone I could actually have decent conversations with other than the physical stuff.