Charas-Project
Off-Topic => All of all! => Topic started by: Tomi on July 21, 2005, 03:32:27 PM
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I'm bored, I'm tired, and I need a laugh. I also just like to keep a nice arsenal of jokes to use. Well, umm, sorta. Just tell us your favorite jokes here. I guess I'll start it out.
An Orchestra was playing a song. During this song, the Bass players had an extremely long rest, so they didnt have to play until the tenth page of the song. It was very boring just to wait there, so one of the Basses suggested that they go across the street to a bar for a couple beers. Another one said that they should tie down the page before they have to play, that way they don't miss their part. So then they go across the street to the bar, and get drunk. Now, back at the Orchestra, the conductor notices that the next page of his musical score is tied down. He doesn't have time to undo the knot, so when he got to the bottom of the page, he got really tense.
Wouldn't you be? Its the bottom of the 9th, the Basses are loaded, and the score is tied. :D
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I remember when a real joke happened. I was sitting in class (2 years ago) then 2 in my class started too argue. Then 1 one of them said "But your mom is so stupid she got overdriven by a parked car. :D..
I think i was in a good mood that day.
And i dont know how too say "when you have got drived over by a car". Just dont get it in my head
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I know a good one:
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
Then the doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
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I got this on from a website I can't post on this site because it has some nude pics (cartoon jokes) and I don't want to get in trouble...so here we go!!!
An old nun was offended by the coarse language of the workers at the construction site next door to the convent. She decided to help them change thier ways. She packed a sack lunch and walked over to where the men were having thier lunch. She smiled broadly and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook thier heads and one steelworker yelled overhead, "Anybody here know Jesus Christ?"
From above, a voice yelled back down, "Why?" And the first steelworker answered, "His wife's here with his lunch!"
BTW: Drace-> LOL
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How do you know when it's time to go to sleep at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hang touches the little hand.
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What is Michael Jackson's favorite store?
K-Mart, because boys pants are half off.
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hahahaha this topic could get messy lol
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Oh, right. Try to make them so they arent too, well, naughty.
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Okay, there were a bunch of guys in a pub, having a drink. One of them remembers an event that happened earlier that day, so he got up and decided to tell it to the others.
"Today", he began, "I went to work on my Market Stall (He sells clothes in a Market), and I remembered that three of the girls I work with owed me money. So I decided to claim it back".
"I went to the first one, and said to her, 'Where's my £100?'. She replied, 'I only owe you £50!'. So I slapped her and said 'Don't correct me, stupid'".
(Yeah, this guy is a bit of a nutcase)
"Then I went to the second one. I said to her, 'Where's my £150?'. She replied, 'I only owe you £100!'. So I slapped her and said 'Don't correct me, stupid'".
"Then I went to the third one. I said to her, 'Where's my £200?'. She replied, 'I only owe you £150!'. So I slapped her and said 'Don't correct me, stupid'".
"Then I went to the fourth one" --
"Hold on", pipes up another guy listening to the story, "You said there were three of them, not four".
At this, the guy walks up to him, slaps him and says 'Don't correct me, stupid'".
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Here's one I learned from Ace.
Bush goes to England to visit the Queen, and she says that she surounds herself with smart people.
Bush: "Really?"
Queen: "Yes, like this; Come here Tony Blair"
The Queen asks Tony: "Your parents had 3 children, including your sister and brother. Who is the third?"
Tony Blair: 'Well, that would have to be me."
Queen: "Right, you can go away now."
Bush, astonished at this, goes back to the US and asks Dick Cheney the same question
Bush: "Your parents had 3 children, including your sister and brother. Who is the third child?"
Cheney: "uh, hold on a sec. I have to go to the bathroom."
So Chaney leaves and asks Colin Powell: "Your parents had 3 children, including your sister and brother. Who is the third child?"
Colin: "That would have to be me"
So Cheney goes back to Bush, and says: "Colin Powell."
Bush: "Nope, Tony Blair."
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Both lol.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Yeah, he told me that one too. :D
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Another one, only a lil big.
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had [STRIKE]diahre[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]dyrea[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]direathe[/STRIKE] the runs.
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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thanks for showing how dumb and sick the usa is!
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I LO very L at 14 and 17. And Drace, you should use the
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Consider it done Pope.
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It may not be classed as a joke, but I generally like quoting Flash animations at in/appropriate times.
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Okay, so this nun is says she is sorry about some of the actions she had done golfing. She goes to one of her sisters. She said "I was golfing and when i hit the ball it was going toward the green, when a bird hits it while it was flying, the ball drops into the water hazzard." the sister says "and you said some bad things?" the nun says "no, a fish spat out the ball, and a squirel took it the other way, then another squirel takes it (i think i can't really remember) and goes to the green and spits it out next to the hole." the sister says "You missed the f***** put didn't you?"
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George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"
:D too funny
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Knock knock.Who's there.
Little boy blew.
Little boy blew who?
Michael Jackson.
A guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down.
Doc: I have some bad news and some worse news.
Man: Tell me the bad.
Doc: You're going to die in 24 hours.
Man: What's the worse news!?
Doc: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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This jokes is a real good, had to translate to english though:
A man comes in a bar and notices that theres nobody else."Weird." he thinks, but he decides just goes and sit down and orders a nice cold beer. "I advise you to leave sir, the Black Knight comes soon!". The man doesn't understand and finds it bullshit so he stays. A while later he orders another beer. "I really advise you to leave sir, the Black Knight comes soon!". But the man stays. On precise twelve o'clock the doors open and in walks a man which is 2 meters high, very wide and wears a black leather pants and jacket. He walks directly to the man and says "Suck!" So the man unbuttons the pants and starts to suck as crazy. "Faster! Suck faster!" So the man sucks faster. "Faster! Much faster!" So the man sucks till he's out of breath and stops. "But sir, why do you have so much hurry?" "Well," says the man. "The Black Knight comes soon."
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The president sits in his office one day and a man comes in. "Mister President what have you done today?" The man asks. "A world record. See that jigsaw puzzle?" The president asks. "Yea it's already done." The man says. "Yea I did it but in record time!" The president says. "How long did it take you to do it?" The man asks. "The box says 2 to 3 years I finished it in 1!"
President = Uuber ultimahte master of teh Unitd Stats(In his dreams)
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If I would get a nickle for every time I heard that one or one similliar then I could buy Microsoft.
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George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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XD! Nice one I like the originality.
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MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
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XD I heard that somehwre. In the words of me "Never says something unless it hurts someone wlse"
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Why do hillbilly's do it doggy style?!
SO THEY CAN BOTH WATCH NASCAR!
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In hillbilly areas, why do the Drivers Ed. classes only get to use the car on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed. class uses it.
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This is one out of my "The MAD Student Survival Guide for those bored of education" Book!
Bumper stickers that reflect REAL school life:
1)Due to watered down academic standards,my child is an honor student at Northwest High!
2)My child was officially cleared of any wrong doing in the recent fire at P.S. 207!
3)My child portrayed an honor student at Lower Upland High!
4)My child would have been student of the month, but one teacher had a grudge against him and gave him a "B" instead of an "A"!
5)My child was ritalin-taker of the month at North Central Tech!
6)After I made a large donation to the Alumni fund, my child by sheer coincidence, was named student of the month at St.Bob's Prep!
7)Me child am english honor stud int at BrowwnLake High!
8)My child successfully passed through the metal detector at Southeast Junior High!
Some arn't really funny... But I can't think of anything else, so I found my MAD book.
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Originally posted by FFL2and3rocks
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
ROFL thats a great one :bend: