It's pretty... bad.Ok,how exactly?
In the frozen depths of space there spins a quite unremarkble little green planet by the name of Balzar.
It is a class three world in the Free Alliance. Which means it is a pre-tecnological planet with no goverment system.
Which is no suprise to some considering the inhabitants happen to be reptiles.
They are called Balzari; a balzari is typicaly four to six feet tall covered in blue,black and scales.
They are regaurded by most as agressive,primitive and dumb,but this is not the case, episcialy not a young Balzari by the name of Salazar.
Remember, try to be as descritive as possible. Use many words, many sentence. The bigger it is, the better. Describe the place, the time, the lighting, all that ****. ;)Thanks I will try i'll revise it and add some tomorow if i get a chance.
And check your topic.
Bigger, overdescriptive, etc =/= better. Describe what's important, don't flood us with adjectives. Just enough to paint a picture, Lucas.Sure,thanks for offering to edit,i need one realy bad.I'm sorry about my spelling
As for your story, Fisherson, even after sifting through the bad spellign and such, it's just. . . meh. Sorry. If you want, I've taken fantasy workshops with authors of some of the Star Wars books, along with Tamora Pierce and a few other authors. If you need any editing done, I'll see what I can do, but I can be pretty angry in my editing comments.
Reptiles cant sweat, sop mentioning that is didn't sweat is redundant.
Reptiles are cold blooded. In a Warm environment, they would feel especially lively and active
Maybe you could describe the environment a bit more. Maybe, "The sun was shining through the great Balori tree as the humid air left drops of moisture upon it's leaves." Or of the sort. (Just off the top of my head)
Describe in detail so the reader can get a really good sense of where everything is happening. Is he in a rain forest-like area? Or maybe topical island? Also, Proof-Reading is your friend.
+ I can never remember if it's is "it is" or the possessive. o.o I wanted it to be the possessive. >.>
The thing you need to work the most on might be the punctuation and the commas. Yours just doesn't make sense most of the time.
Thanks. ^^
The storyline itself seems like it'll be very interesting. Good Luck.
Stop making ****ing excuses. If you post work to get opinions and they point out a flaw, don't say "It's because of blah," just fix it.
Its an excuse if its a reason why you did or didn't do something. "I didn't take English," isn't an excuse for poor writing. If you didn't take English, maybe you should before you want to write for Star Wars.
No, they kinda taught me at the workshop. Check it out: http://alpha.spellcaster.org , it's a great workshop for young writers. /shameless plug.Sorry about the blame game thing,Phayre.Thank you for the link i'll try it.
But ADHD or no, you still need more practice. Please don't turn this into a bitter discussion of how "disorder x" ruined your life, education, and all that-- we can all play that game, and it's not fun.