Charas-Project
Off-Topic => All of all! => Topic started by: lonewolf on September 05, 2008, 09:24:51 PM
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Short Funny Jokes as we all like a good joke one's a week i be posting one up
if i upset any one pm so i can move the joke as it may or not upset someone
and i do not what to do that in any way
this weeks joke
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
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What did the fish say when he crashed into a concrete wall?
"Damn."
What do Chinese people call Chinese food?
Food.
Two fish were in a tank. One fish said to the other:
"How do you drive this thing!?"
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
Flies spread disease. So keep yours closed.
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A masked man walked into a sperm bank. He ordered the nurse to open the vault.
"But sir its just a sperm bank"
"I don't care just open it"
After opening the vault he orders her to drink one.
"BUT they are sperm samples!"
"DO IT!"
The nurse sucks it back, he orders her do it again.
Finally after four samples he takes off his mask.
"See hunny- its not that hard."
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture only needs one nail.
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...seriously, that's all really bad humor.
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...seriously, that's all really bad humor.
Nice joke.
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Once i went to the store. I purchased an apple for 20 cents. I ate the apple. I went home.
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That's not a joke, that's just spam.
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No, you just dont get it Archem.
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A masked man walked into a sperm bank. He ordered the nurse to open the vault.
"But sir its just a sperm bank"
"I don't care just open it"
After opening the vault he orders her to drink one.
"BUT they are sperm samples!"
"DO IT!"
The nurse sucks it back, he orders her do it again.
Finally after four samples he takes off his mask.
"See hunny- its not that hard."
This is the only one that actually made me laugh
I'd post mine, but I suck at humor
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What's the difference between Tim and a bucket of ****?
The bucket.
Oh, Tim.
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A man walked up to his boss and said, "Sir, I've been working here for five years--I'd like a raise."
His boss thought and said, "You know what? I have a better idea. First, I'm going to make you my assistant. I'm going to give you an office with a view, a secretary, and a $50,000 wage."
The worker said, "Wow, boss, you gotta be kidding me!" The boss said, "Hey, you started it!"
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An Amish family go to the city for the first time in their lives. While the mother goes shopping, the father and son go to the mall. While there, they see an ugly, fat woman walk into an elevator. After a few seconds, a hot chick walks out. The father then turns to his son and says, "Quick, go get your mother!"
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Two tomatoes are taking a walk. One of them is walking too slow and falling behind, so the other one steps on him and says "Ketchup!"
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Fox force 5. Oh yes.
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Two chain smokers walk into a bar and ****ing EXPLODE.
Hahaha!
Gas leak.
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A pirate walks into a bar and takes a seat next to the bartender. The bartender points at the pirates pants and asks "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate looks down to his pants then looks back at the bartender and says. "Arrrrr, it's driving me nuts."
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I have another joke:
John McCain's Presidential Campaign!
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him,”Charlie what are you doing?” And Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago” Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, “Bob what are you doing!” Bob says… “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
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A man wearing a mask is robbing a bank. But his mask falls off, and he quickly puts it back on. He walks up to a man and asks, "Did you see my face?" He answers "Yes." So the bank robber shoots him. He asks another man "Did you see my face?", and the man answers "Yes." So the bank robber shoots him. Then he asks another man "Did you see my face?" and he replies "No, but my wife did."
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So this guy's lying in bed, watching his wife pose to herself in front of the mirror, and she says,
"Honey, I'm feeling fat. Am I fat? Oh my god, I feel ugly now. Baby, can you say something nice about me to cheer me up?"
So the husband looks over to his wife, smiles, and says
"Bitch, you got perfect vision"
..............
This guy's at confession, and he says to the preist,
"father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest says,
"What was your sin, my son"
The man says.
"I have committed adultery, father.
I cannot help myself, every sunday night, on the way home
from work, I pass Washington street, and there's allways this
cute hooker on the corner. I feel for my wife very much, but I can't
resist once I see her legs under that blue low-cut dress she wears."
The priest frowns, and says, "hmmmm....."
The man, worried, franticly asks,
"What is it father? Am I going to hell?"
The priest says,
"Oh, no, no, no, not for anything like that. Trust me, I've heard worse
Why, just five minutes ago a married man came in confessing that he's been putting on a blue dress and whoring himself out on the corner of washington street every sunday night"
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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
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What's the difference between a conductor and a bull?
Somebody has to ask 'what?' now, or you'll never know.
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With a bull, the horns are in front and the asshole's in back.
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I don't get it. Perhaps I'm thinking of the wrong definition of "conductor".
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Native Indian Name's
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.
One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.
“Well, my son,” the chief replied, “When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
“For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.”
“And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.”
“So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?”
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Haha! Beautiful!
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XD simplicity is awesome
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Replace "conductor" with "orchestra", then it makes sense.
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Ah. I suppose I was thinking of the wrong definition.
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.”The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this money. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
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That made me smile warmly. Too bad the hurricane a-brewin' outside's about to kill my happy.
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.
“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”
Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”
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Hehe
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Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now
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Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.
The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, “Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn’t she?”
The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, “well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?”
The first fellow asks, “Well, what DO they say?” The second fellow answers, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!”
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
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Two Jews walk into a bar. Hitler's at the counter.
Doesn't go so well.
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Lovely.
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There was a rabbit and a bear
They ran into a genies lamp
The genie popped out
He gave them both three wishes
The bear says "I wish the whole world was a forest"
Then he said "I wish all the bears in the world were females"
The rabbit then says "I wish the bear was gay"