Charas-Project
Community Projects => Contests => Topic started by: Meiscool on June 09, 2012, 01:31:36 AM
-
This will be a two part contest that I doubt will succeed but I put A LOT of thought into it and really want to see have a good turn out. I specifically tried to make this contest accessible and desirable to all of charas' story tellers and music makers (AFL, Dren, etc).
First part: Story Writing.
Second part: Music.
First Part Summary: Create a story with a certain theme to it. The possible themes are: Regret, Hopelessness, Love, Humor, Happy Ending. While the entire story does not have to revolve around the theme, I would like it to be obvious enough to the point where if you hadn't told me what the theme was, I would still be able to guess it out of the five choices. That being said, please do state the theme if you submit a story.
Stories should be original, and can be things you have written before not for a charas contest if you want. Just make sure it matches the criteria. Stories should be at least fifteen sentences long, have at least 5 sentences of dialog, and have no more than three characters. All stories should make mention of these words (tense and plurality doesn't matter) at some point in the writing: Death, Candy, Peacock, Knife, Juggle, and Scripture. Each required word must have its own sentence, therefore death and candy cannot be in the same sentence. You can be as witty or whatevery as you want with these, example: "Hey, did you see Death Note last night?" "No, I was too busy reading scriptures." "It was awesome, some guy carved a pentagram into his chest with a knife." "Really? All I ever see is some blonde prick with a scar eating candy." etc.
Other than that, there are no rules. You have complete control over everything else. Just try not to make it too long!
How I will judge: There will be one winner of this section. Stories will be rated on a summary of the writing qualities it has, how well it follows the rules, and how well it matches the said theme. I will need a second judge. Judges may also enter if they want.
Second Part Summary: Make a tune to the winning story of the first part. You can use anything you want to do this, from simple editing with audacity to remixing to custom made electric music to music recording you played and more. For this part, the only rules are: piece must be between 15 second and 30 seconds long, and the poster must state how they made the piece. The first part is open to some lee-way, but the second part is important because I want the judging to take effort into account.
Judging will take into account how well the piece matches the theme of the winner of the first part, the quality of the piece, and the effort put into the piece. That being said, a piece of moderate quality that was written and played by oneself will probably rank higher than a piece that was written by Beethoven and remixed by oneself. I will need multiple judges for this too.
No time limit set, but if you intend to enter, please make a post saying so and edit it with your entry later. Also, a person can enter both parts of the contest if they want.
Let me hear opinions on this too please. Enjoy~
-
Interesting.
*Entered*
Any suggestions on software to use for music-making?
A tale of hopelessness
The shadow of the brazier danced upon the walls of a dark room, upon the wall were murals of a ritual involving the death of one of the participants. These walls and the ritual described wasn't something ancient or mythic though. Charim gazed upon these walls and knew exactly what they meant. Sweat running down his forehead as it just now occurred to him what situation he was actually in.
He was born with magic in his blood, his very existence deemed abdominal by the viziers that ruled this land. Magic was nothing but a force of destruction threatening the order the viziers upheld.
Charim began pacing the room, he was stuck in this dome-like confinement until he would be called for. Him and all the others in the room. One by one they had left and none returned. A young boy, only half his own age had told him stories of the peacocks they raised at his father's farm. But seeing the boy's remaining bag in the room twitched his guts. It had already been four days since the boy left and one of the older folks in the room had told him:
"You wouldn't want to live after what they do with those knives."
Charim felt sick and searched his pockets for something as he slid down the murals to the ground. He found a honey amber, crystallized honey that his sister loved. He must've forgotten to give it to her before he was taken away.
"Your presence brings the wrath of the gods upon all of us dark blood!" A manic voice shrieked from a room close by. It was not the first time that people passed through the temple and heard of people like Charim being held in these rooms.
"The scripture speaks of the demons that corrupted your mothers and conceived you! Dark creatures from the pits of Har'firan! Murderers and thieves returning to bring more chaos into the world!"
Charims heart sank.
"Am I truly the monster people say I am?" He mumbled in the dark. Demonborn, dark blood. People did not see the magically gifted as people, as citizens, as brothers and sisters. They were stigma. They were not worth being called human anymore.
It had only been a stroke of bad luck that put him where he was now. An ordinary day in the market where he and his sister followed their mother through the bazaar to reach the archives. But on this particular day Charim had woken up with a bad headache that felt like it was forcing it's way through his very skull.
They reached the bazaar and all the voices, the smells and all the people was only increasing the power of the headache. He tried to control it, tried to keep his mind balanced. But when he stopped and saw his mother disappear into the crowd it was like trying to juggle with six burning snakes.
And that's when he lost control, when he realised what he was. And when he saw the look on his sister's face. A look of fear, of disgust and then a dark emptiness.
People had begun to drop to the ground around him, his sister too. The pressure of his head lifted but instead his body felt exhausted and he dropped as well. He heard screams and he heard shouts. And before he knew it he had woken up in this room.
And he had been in this room for almost a week now. One of the guards had explained that the only way out was to let the viziers cleanse their blood from the taint. And one by one they had been called, to let the viziers preform the ritual shown on these murals. A tainted man kneeling before a throne, a man in elaborate headgear raising a blade, the blade thrust into the skin of the kneeling person and the magic of the victim drained by the blade.
As a child Charim had asked his father why magic users are monsters when the viziers had magic of their own. His father's answer was that the viziers powers came from the gods that intended for them to rule. Charim was beginning to doubt if they were so different if this was the fate that waited him.
"The hour is over." A dark voice said as the locks of the door twinged, it was the acolyte sent to escort him.
Fear washed over Charim, this was the end of his life. But what did it matter? His family hated him and his sister was dead, his blood was tainted and everyone with dark blood was destined to this fate. There was only the cleansing for they were a threat. He was a threat, he was a monster.
He backed way from the robed figure that entered the room, hitting the wall and pleading for his life. He tried to grab something but only the braziers where within reach which fell on the ground and shattered coal across the ground and hitting Charims legs. The searing stones hurt, but what was waiting for him would make that feel like nothing. Charim remembered the last person who left the room, he had been curing the gods and just a few seconds later his shriek must've filled every corridor of the temple.
Cold fingers grabbed his ankle pulling him towards the door. He wanted to fight, wanted to make it stop. But there was nothing he could do. He was weak and tired and could do nothing as he got closer to the shrine. Heavy odours filled the air here but couldn't quite cover the stench of blood and decaying corpses. There was a bright light in an alcove and before it stood three figures noticing his entrance.
"Another dark soul for the gods." One of them exclaimed as he entered screaming for his life. The exchanged words and one of the men stepped towards him, lifting a decorated scabbard into the air and slowly drawing forth a blade.
Charim tried to run, tried to stop it. But he felt the weight of the world pushing him down, his arms were chained to the floor and no matter how much he pulled he could not lift the weight of an entire temple. He tried to scream, but there was no sound to escape him. It was like the incenses of the room muted everything. His head felt heavy but he saw the blade drawing closer. The light from where the other stood flared to life and it's gloating shine reflected in the blade as the man stood just in front of Charim mumbling praises to gods he had never heard of. There was a sound, there was a feeling, there was a look upon the man's face. And then there was no more.
-
Man, a month ago I'l have joined this in a heartbeat. Now? Now I barely have time to write things for my college, let alone whole stories for Charas. :/
-
I would totally join, but the thought of writing a short story on my phone is making my brain (and thumbs) ache.
-
Well, I do have one more day before the weekend is over... Just have no idea how to make music, though.
-
Regret:
Bert took a long drag upon his cigarette, exhaled, and smiled. “Man, this brings back memories. Seven year back not a day’d pass without me coming here to visit Candy.”
“She’s been going that long?” I enquired, one eyebrow raised. “She looks like she just got the job.”
“Yeah, she hasn’t aged a day” the man nodded. He tapped ash into a tray and scratched his greying stubble. “Beautiful girl. Heart pounds just to look at her.”
I peered at the stripper at the centre of the bar with renewed scrutiny. She was pretty, yes; her long red hair danced to and fro like a flame and her body was desirable; but she wasn’t anything special. Not to my eyes. I looked over at Bert again and grinned. The man’s attentions were back on the stage and he was spellbound.
“…Look at you. You’re in love.”
“What? Come on.”
“You are! Did you ever ask her out?”
Bert laughed and brushed his hands through his thinning hair. “Are you kidding? Look at me. And the age difference! Maybe if I went under the knife…”
I smiled but did not laugh. The last thing I wanted to do was insult him.
“Plus I had Amy back then. You think I was gonna juggle two broads at once? I’m not that kinda guy.”
“I get it. Sorry if I touched a nerve.”
“It’s nothing.”
We sat then for a while in silence. The mood had changed; and I felt as though, despite knowing him very little, I could actually hear his thoughts whirring and buzzing like an old machine. I didn’t dare disturb him until after the finale, when the hooting and hollering had died down, the music had quietened, and Candy had finally, seductively, disappeared behind the large red stage curtain.
“Did you know she would still be here?” I ventured, the sudden curiosity occurring to me.
“No” Bert replied. “No I didn’t. Always got the impression from her that she wanted better’n to be stuck in this hole. But what would this place do without her? A handful of broads, trussed up in so many removable dress bits they look like peacocks. She’s the class. She’s the heart and soul of this place.”
“Sure thing” I nodded.
Bert knocked his drink back and stood up straight. “Let’s go” he said. “Don’t know why I took you here anyways.”
I frowned slightly but hid the emotion. “How do you feel? Where do you fancy going now?”
Bert turned to me and his eyes fixed upon mine for the first time since before we had entered the club. “Do you know your scriptures?”
It was out of the left field and I stuttered for a moment. “I… I didn’t really read the bible all that much, I’m afraid.”
“Proverbs has a quote that goes: Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man. You know that one?”
“Can’t say that I do.”
Bert turned and walked towards the exit, and I followed at his shoulder.
“…well that’s how I feel right now.”
-
Man, a month ago I'l have joined this in a heartbeat. Now? Now I barely have time to write things for my college, let alone whole stories for Charas. :/
:(
You can always judge if you want to be a part of this but don't have a lot of time.
@fruckert: You've been using your phone this whole time???
Edit - As for music programs, I always just use audacity, but not a whole lot can be done in that... I don't know of many others. If people could post what they use that would be most helpful.
-
I adore audacity. If you're just recarding live instruments/voices, there's nothing wrong with it. As for effects... You just have to be a bit more hands-on.
-
I would totally join, but the thought of writing a short story on my phone is making my brain (and thumbs) ache.
If you write it on paper and take a photo of it and if it's good enough I'll write it down on a computer for you. :P
-
@fruckert: You've been using your phone this whole time???
Yeah, pretty much.
My dad's house lacks internet.
I'm back at my moms for today and tomorrow, but I don't think that's enough time to sit down and write what I want to write.
If you write it on paper and take a photo of it and if it's good enough I'll write it down on a computer for you. :P
Okay, I know you've seen my handwriting, because you have a drawing I made in your house right now.
-
That thing in the corner was supposed to be a word? Oh god.
-
I'm probably not going to do the first part, but I'm game for the second one.
As for programs to make it, here are my suggestions.
Recording Live Instruments
:: Audacity
Cheap or Free Notation Software (Sheet music style)
:: Finale Notepad (Its like 10 bucks and it allows up to eight instruments)
:: Noteworthy Composer (The demo allows up to ten saves per file)
:: MuseScore (Completely free, but it seems to have a lot to learn at the beginning in order to use it well, but they have helpful videos that explain everything on their website)
:: Noteflight (website that is a browser based notation software. You can save as midis and its completely free as well)
Not Cheap at All Notation Software
:: Finale 2012
:: Sibelius 7
Other Sequencing Software
:: Cakewalk (Don't really know a whole lot about it really)
:: GarageBand (Pretty popular, but its a Mac only software)
:: FL Studio (Aka FruityLoops -- was pretty popular, but it probably wouldn't be the best software for this contest)
Also, I'm trying to remember the program that Drenrin uses/used for his stuff but I don't know if I got it on my list. The list is not very comprehensive, but I tried to get all the main ones on here.
-
That thing in the corner was supposed to be a word? Oh god.
it was a signature ._.
-
Oh good.
-
So, I decided to enter this contest. Why? Simply because I've been wanting to write something, and this just has been a good excuse to finally do it.
However, you must be aware that I'm in no way a novelist. But hey, I don't mind.
So... behold, a story coming from the twisted mind of someone who should have gone to sleep a few hours ago!
Oh and yeah, the theme. It's supposed to be Regret, mainly.
I shall call it... The Piers Case
...yeah, I know, I suck at titles.
So anyway, here it goes:
----------
The Piers Case
Melvin and Olivia looked down at the corpse lying at their feet. Melvin had stabbed him multiple times after Olivia knocked him unconscious with a baseball bat.
-“We shouldn't have done that...” said Olivia.
-”Why not? He had it coming.” replied Melvin.
-”Was death really necessary?”
-”It sure was. Don't you remember everything he's done to us? Heck, I even think we went too soft on him.”
He picked the knife and looked at his sister. She seemed like she was about to cry.
-”Oh come on, please, don't tell me you have remorse?”
-”I... I just... that's not what I wanted. I didn't want that!”
Tears were filling her eyes as she looked down at the lifeless body on the floor.
-”Whatever. Cry all you want. He is dead anyway. Look at him... I bet he felt no remorse about anything. Piece of trash.”
As he said his last line, the little brother furiously stabbed the corpse's eye. Olivia shouted at him to stop but he wouldn't listen. He stabbed the corpse multiple times, in the face, in the chest, the stomach...
-”Stop, he's dead already!” she shouted again as she broke into tears.
-”Screw you! I don't care. I hate him. I hate him so much!”
Melvin took the baseball bat and proceeded into smashing the face of the dead man, severely disfiguring him.
-”Monster! Monster! Monster!” he kept shouting as he bashed the skull, his sister screaming and yelling at him, asking him to stop.
-”Fine!” he said as he dropped the bat and stared at Olivia. “You are weak. No wonder he got you so easily. I bet you even actually liked his “candy”. I'm out of here, and I suggest you do the same.”
Melvin picked his plush peacock, which was sitting on the couch, and left the room. “Come on, Mr. Juggle. Let's leave this place for good...”
Olivia just sat there, shaking, her eyes filled with despair. She looked at the corpse in the middle of the room; his face was so badly hit that it would be impossible to recognize him, his whole body was full of knife wounds, there was blood everywhere.
-”I'm sorry, daddy. I didn't want that. I didn't want to kill you.”
She slowly approached the remains of her father and took his cold bloodied hands.
-”It's not what I wanted... I swear, I didn't want that. I'm sorry...”
Then she exploded. Her voice sounded so desperate as she kept yelling vigorously.
-”I'm sorry! I'm sorry!”
It was the neighbours who called the police, after they heard a little girl screaming repeatedly. When the policemen barged into the apartment, they found a horrific scene. Olivia Piers, 13 years old, was lying lifelessly next to her severely beaten father's remains, her wrists sliced open. And though they never caught Melvin, his left hand was found on the nearby church's stairs, holding a piece of paper. On one side was a piece of scripture while on the other side was a handwritten note which said “Please, accept this sacrifice and reserve Olivia a place in Heavens”.
----------
Now if you excuse me... I really should go to sleep.
-
I didn't read it yet (so that when I judge everything is fresh and new), so I don't know if you put the intended theme anywhere, but make sure to do that if you didn't. The name makes it sound suspenseful :D
-
Well... suspenseful... don't expect too much of that. I guess.
It's more about being terrible coming up with titles.
It's a shame, I know...
-
Entered.
-
Oooo, I like this contest. I've been writing short stories in an attempt to get to know my characters better. So... consider this an entry! I just need to write up a story.
-
Come on then prpl and Drenrin! Procrastination is the death of these things!
-
Ooooh right. How much longer do I have? Can submit something this evening.
-
I'm just gonna leave this open until I get a fair amount of submissions. Only 2 so far (I think), so it will stay open for awhile.
-
Screw it, I'll try to write something up.
The I'll go somewhere and toss it in Dropbox and upload it.
-
Three days later, and I'm almost done with a draft.
Any particular grievances against swearing? As you all should know by now, I swear like a ****ing sailor.
ed: Also, does tense effect the words we have to use?
Juggling vs Juggle, etc?
-
All stories should make mention of these words (tense and plurality doesn't matter) at some point in the writing: Death, Candy, Peacock, Knife, Juggle, and Scripture.
-
Didn't see that!
I'm done, I've just got to Internet and then I can upload/post it.
ed: http://db.tt/JcIMq0yM
There ya go.
Theme's "Regret".
-
Ok, 4 entries so far. I'd like to get one more, then I will begin the judging.
Also, do I have a second judge yet? If not, someone step up plz.
-
Hopelessness.
He sat in a table at the old dinner by himself. His face was old and worn, contrasting greatly with his expensive suit. He smiled awkwardly as the little children and the pretty young women passed by, showing off his rotten yellow teeth, all twenty three of them. In his pockets, unopened candy and spare change lay exposed. And on his hair, behind his ear, a single, relatively large feather hangs loosely, and some passers-by could not help but to wonder what the story of that most unusual old man would be. Most, however, simply walked by, afraid to make eye contact, in hopes that if they walked fast enough, he would not notice them.
He ate slowly, and in every bite, he seemed to take hours, lost inside his thoughts, pensively analyzing the world around him. He made no noise, until the moment when he dropped his knife to the floor with a loud, metallic bang. He was then approached by a waitress, who cheerfully asked him if he would like another one.
"No, thank you, my dear", he said. "I am already finished."
So the man gets up, pays his bill, and then leaves. After his exit, the door takes a few seconds to close again, and once it does, life in the old dinner is back to what it used to be, and none of the people would ever wonder what happened to that old man.
--
"This is it, I guess. No more time to look back." he thinks to himself as he walks alone in the night. After pulling his sleeves back to check the time ("Eleven and fifteen", he says out loud, to nobody in particular), he quickly covers his wrist once again, in the hopes of hiding the marks of the many failed suicide attempts from his childhood years. "And to think that I used to long for death... Oh, if only I knew what life had in store for me."
What had he done wrong? When did his life take a turn for the worst? Surely, there must have been some mistake. He never expected things to go so badly. It was just a deal. He thought it was a fair deal. A fair deal... Ah, how foolish he was, to believe in it. He should have known. He had read the scriptures. He knew it, he knew it so well... But power can blind the eyes of men. He hoped that his Lord would understand it, when the time came. It wasn't easy, juggling his tasks, all of this time, maintaining his end of the deal, but he did it.
After taking various shortcuts and diving deep inside the maze of the streets, he reaches his destination. It's a church, and it is a big one. The door is locked, but he has the key. After entering, he kneels down in front of the large wooden statue of Christ in the cross that is nailed to the wall. He asks for forgiveness, one more time, but this time, it will be the last. He has been doing this for thirty years, but today, it will all come to an end. He takes the gun from the inside of his suit, and brings it to his mouth. "Good bye", he mutters.
And then.
Bam.
A single peacock feather lies in the floor. The symbol of eternal life in heaven, and of the teachings of the Lord. Stained in blood, as it was always meant to be...
-
Very nice! I expected your to judge, but entering is even better :D
I'll wait another day to see if I can get a second judge, as I really enjoy having a second person to give opinions. If not, people will just have to be happy with the ratings that I give.
Judging will begin this weekend if all goes right.
-
If nobody else signs up in the near future, I'll judge. It's better than doing nothing two contests in a row, right?
-
JUDGING:
As to prevent me from having one large giant post, and allowing me to enjoy these as they come, I will rate stories in individual posts in the order they are found in the topic.
First: Prpl_Mage
Ok, let me get the bad out of the way before writing a page worth of notes about the good. First off, you did not use "candy" in your story (or at least I did not see it, and I used Find and searched "cand" and found nothing). I think I know where you meant to place it, and probably without thinking on it accidentally put another word. However, I have to dock a little bit from the score for that. Second, I had to reread a few sentences because of odd structure/flow. Lastly, I really wish you had described the rooms a bit more. I was confused because I thought it was a sealed off dome, but people from other rooms could be heard and passers in the temple... I dunno, it just didn't instantly click how the layout of the 'dungeon' looked and I couldn't get it to work perfectly with what you gave me. Minor complaints really. I'll save my major complaint for the end.
You painted a very vivid picture. Not only that, but in a short time you succeeded in creating an entirely unique and believable world using exotic names and fantasy settings. I felt I could relate to the agony and despair your character was feeling, especially since I had been arrested before and held in a cell for a day. Damn that day felt like forever. Anyways, you did a great job with the setting. Your also did a fantastic job creating a main character. You gave history, background, family, etc making a character with color. You also provided some thought provoking questions that the character had to find an answer to; in a sense it was some development. You described the actions he took quite well too, such as sliding down the wall while fishing in his pocket.
How you used the required words was excellent as well. Not exactly creative, however, it didn't feel like they were forced either (except peacock). The story revolved around a temple killing people in various ways, so your didn't have to make an excuse to use death, knives, etc.
You followed the dialog rules well, and I didn't notice any grammar issues to make particular note of, so good job there too.
My major gripe is the climax. While it was good, I felt like you could've done more with it. It felt somewhat rushed too. Turning "He wanted to fight, wanted to make it stop. But there was nothing he could do." into "his fingers began to bleed as one nail after another was torn off from digging them into the ground to save himself. As each piece of bloodied keratin silently echoed as it hit the ground, Charim realized just how futile his fight was, and decided to give in when he noticed only three nails remained". Not trying to show you up or anything, just saying that making a more sad/desperate situation would've made the climax that much more riveting and heart wrenching. I found myself really rooting for the character in the end, and I feel that more detail at the climax would've giving people even more hope for a character who had none.
SUMMARY: Excellent work in creating a piece of art with its own distinct qualities. Followed all rules aside from leaving out one word. Fit into the theme chosen very well, but could've had a stronger impact at the end.
FINAL RATING: 8/10
-
Second: Moosetroop11
Wow, another great one by you. This one was much shorter than the previous one I judged, but it still had as much story to tell, which is a great thing. I'll start with my complaints, which I only have one of that actually counts towards the rating; theme issues. While at the end of the story I can see how regret was the major issue, I would not have known to think of the story in that context without being told ahead of time that regret was the theme. To say that again in other words, I feel that the story suits the theme, but the theme is not as strong as say.. Prpl's was, since Hopelessness was introduced right at the start and was intermingled with the setting and characters more intimately. My other gripe is that you didn't state the link between Bert and 'I', but that is actually a compliment seeing as I WANT MOOOORE.
Your use of words is excellent, especially the words you had to use. None of them felt forced at all, and some of their uses were extremely creative. Candy as a name and Death in a quote were of particular pleasure to read. At first, as I was reading, I felt that scriptures came out of nowhere, but it was an excellent lead up to was could possibly be the most important sentence of the story.
Bert felt fascinating. I almost felt like I was sitting with him, enjoying a beer and listing to his life story. It was very interesting, and I'm also interested in knowing if he was modeled after a real person in your life?
Your stories that you have written for charas have a tendency to show a bond between two people and a 3rd outside object (A tree, and bridge, and a stripper thus far I believe). I believe this is the best one so far :D
SUMMARY: Excellent work with an intriguing character who left me wanting more. Rules followed to the T and all words required used and used well. The theme is not clear cut and is open to interpretation if not primed to think of regret.
FINAL RATING: 8.7/10
-
Third: Cerebus
Let me just start this off by stating that death is the ultimate atonement for sin, though not necessarily the greatest. Making a character take her own life because of her conscious really highlights the theme you have chosen. Adding to it the fact that another character maimed himself in order to ensure her death had meaning; your characters definitely regret what happened. Theme was your strong point without a doubt, and though the story was very short, it weighed heavy on my heart. Of the stories I have read thus far I really feel yours has the greatest match to the intended theme.
Quality had its good points and bad points. On one end, you left things up to the readers imagination, which is both good and bad. I had to imagine that they were young children who used improper English and spoke oddly. The writing itself has some bad due to grammar errors, most notably some comma problems and occasional word issues (Such as "Heavens" in the end quote). I think this was just because you were tired as you wrote it, and minor mistakes like that happen. I really like that you took the effort to color who was saying what. Though I think I could've figured it out just by looking at the difference in speech between the two characters (at least, I feel there is an obvious difference between how the two talk [which is good because it adds character depth]) the coloration made things that much easier and allowed me to read forward without back tracking. I feel the ending paragraph wraps up the story very nicely. Threw me some unexpected turns and took me down a street to a church where I found a complete ending.
How you used the words was good in some cases, natural in others, and forced in a few situations. I feel candy and peacock was kinda forced, while scriptures and knife felt natural. The sentence "was death really necessary" didn't feel natural, but then again, Oliva kinda spoke that odd way, and after I realized that the sentence didn't seem so abnormal (most people would say "did we really have to kill him" or something like that). Death could've been placed in better spots in the story though, such as at the end paragraph, or in something like "his death came too fast, that bastard". Back to peacock and candy, I wish "candy" had been explained more (as I felt it had ALOT to do with why they killed their father... I suspect rape) and I felt the peacock plush utterly destroyed my image of the characters at the time (age, etc.). Though, to say, in a story with so few lines you did well to get all the words in there and not have any feel completely forced.
It was a good read, and I'll be quite excited if you enter another story contest down the road.
SUMMARY: Excellent work that could benefit from some sentence fixing. Followed the rules perfectly and did an on-par job with word usage. I could go as far as to say that this story is the dictionary definition of its theme!
FINAL RATING: 8/10
-
Fourth: Fruckert
First off, yes, I would like to know more. I assumed skyrim at first, but now I don't think so lol. However, I will rate the story independently or what it is based off of, but I still want to know a little more about it.
On to the ratings. I've never been big on these kind of stories, but yours has a certain... flow to it that I was able to go with. I only had to back track once, and that was when you switch from Companion to Cat in the story. Hadda make sure we were still talking about the same character.
I'll start with how the words were used. I particularly liked how peacock and scripture was used. Peacock being used to describe something fluffing out was refreshing to see, and how you incorporated religion into economics and politics (subsequently using the word "scriptures" as you were doing it) hit a special spot for me in reading (as I like to read about how politics and religion intertwine when they should be separate). Using candy as a drug was something I expected people to do, so I can't say I'm impressed with that. You integrated it into the heart of the story though, so it isn't out of place or anything, just underwhelming. Knife was a simple object that was used, so it felt natural, and death was used in a metaphor, which I felt was both odd and unique. Though I feel you might not have used all the words perfectly, you definitely used them in unique ways, especially peacock.
Theme was... well... yeah. The end had regret, definitely, and you primed the reader the whole way through that the actions of Boss and Cat were going to have consequences. However, I had some issues with it, as if Boss died then Cat would be free and not have to worry about his debts anymore, right? Seems like a fair trade for running for your life harder than ever before. Plot holes aside, the story did prime me for something bad to happen at the end, a lot like Prpl's. Also, a lot like his ending, your climax came fast and furious, but didn't have the power or size behind it to leave a dent in me. However, your story seems much more light-hearted (a dark story with a lack of seriousness, if that sounds right), and perhaps running for your life and losing someone you work with (even if they held you by a leash) is deserving of being considered regrettable in a light-hearted story. I'm convoluted on how to rate how well the story matched the theme. Something more regrettable occurring at the end might have made this easier to rate in this department.
Quality. Well, I gotta say, you sucked me in as I was reading it. If there are grammar errors or anything of the sort, I missed them because I was into the plot. I did do a quick skim of a recheck, but found nothing. You also had a lot more than other people, so if there is an error or two it wouldn't matter in relation to the size of your entry. Your method of narration was good and, at times, humorous. Your characters were unique, and your dialog flavorful. The only complaint I have is that it was sometimes hard to follow exactly what the two characters wanted from their adventure. Candy? Drink? Fruit? Are they all the same thing? If they are, I did not make that connection.
SUMMARY: A great tale of good length that flows impressively. Followed the rules perfectly and used the required words in some humorous ways. The theme is suitable for the attitude and direction the story goes in, though not as strong as it could be.
FINAL RATING: 8.2/10
-
Fifth: Lucas
Wow, I'm blown away by this one. As a story itself, it is really good! Symbolism is dear to me, especially when it doesn't take a panel of writers and English teachers to point it all out for me. Good job sir.
So, yeah, I loved the way the words were used. I particularly loved how you referenced the peacock early on with "feather", but didn't say the actual word, leaving me to anticipate how the feather will be referenced again. Candy, knife, scriptures, and death all felt natural to a nice degree, though some of those words felt a wee bit forced. Not much else to say here... so I'll just mention again that I loved the use of peacock and its assistance in a symbolical way.
The quality is great. Highly detailed, great flow, suspenseful, interesting, realistic, etc. Not much bad to say about it as far as content goes. I loved the character you made, the details you gave him... oh the details. Down to the number of teeth you gave him. I felt that was great. Just by describing a person's smile you can create a gave image, and through that image make assumptions about the character and feel surprised when the character has more to him/her than the sterotypical assumptions made. You also described the way society looks on him, which I thought was pretty cool. You gave him a past that was obviously flavorful with the scars and the deal, but you didn't tell us what the deal was... WHAT WAS THE DEAL????
*ahem* Your style of writing seemed to change as the story went on, going from an onlooker's narration to an omnipotent being who knew what the old man was thinking, to a past tense narration. This isn't exactly a bad thing, just something I felt like mentioning.
"Bam" gave me a good laugh. I think it is a terrible onomatopoeia. Nuff said. Not gonna take points off for this or anything.
Some slight issues with grammar, such as "feather lies in the floor" instead of on the floor. Minor stuff, but still must be noted.
The dialog rule stated that there should be five sentences of it. I counted five series of quotations, but two of those can be considered the same sentence (the ones with "he said" between them), so I'm docking a tiny bit because of that.
The theme is my gripe with this story. Without knowing why the character turned to killing himself, I can't feel like the character is hopeless. Without knowing the deal, I can't gain a sense of sorrow for the character. I don't know if the deal was to go on living without killing one self, in exchange for entry into heaven when he did die naturally... I don't know if the deal made him immortal and he couldn't kill himself... I just don't know. I like stories that are open to interpretation (silent hill, alan wake, etc) but I just don't have enough here for me to label specifically what makes the character (or the story) feel hopeless. I really hate this, because I feel like this story is really great and probably would've gotten the highest score from me, but I just can't give it to you with your theme not remotely matching what you wrote down. If I missed some major symbolism that was vital to linking the story to the chosen theme, hopefully the second judge will catch it!
SUMMARY: A gem among stories with an old man whose mouth I feel I know very intimately. Minor violation of rules with a great symbolic use of the required words. Finding a link between chosen theme and content of the story is difficult.
FINAL RATING: 7.3/10
----------------------------------------
@archem; yeah, I'd love to have you on. Feel free to judge in whatever way you want whenever.
-
Kind of defeating the purpose of a shorty story here, but if you need to know anything about the universe my small story takes place in just ask.
It's centered on a very...unorthodox MacGuffin, so I'd understand any confusion.
-
Glad you liked it, MIC! I won't explain any of it at the moment; partly because there's another judge to go yet...
What was the tree story, though? I don't remember XD My last story contest entry was a battle, and it did have a relationship between two characters, so I think you're figuring me out...
-
man i'm gettin' anxious
-
Hold your ponies lol. I'll get to them either tonight or tomorrow. :)
-
Saw your post and thought you had finished judging.
Why are you teasing us so much!
-
There you are now. Hope you all find the ratings fair. Hopefully Archem will judge the stories soon too so that we may move on to the next part of the contest. However, since all entries are regret or hopelessness, I suppose people could get a head start on brainstorming if desired. A stripper club theme for moosetroop11 sounds pretty slick :P (if he wins).
-
You want me to PM or should I just post my little primer here?
Or, hell, posting a topic might work too, as I'm working on a game engine for the world.
-
Well... if you have something done with the engine (maybe a small tech demo or a video or screens) then I would just make a topic. Since you are a major member of the board I'm sure your game would get a lot of attention anyways. If not, I would post it here so anyone else who read it can also benefit from it. Just know that the second judge should rate your story independently of what you write :)
-
Well, I'm happy with the judging! c:
I'm afraid I won't take part in the second part, though, due to complete lack of musical skills, but if Archem wants to join that one (since he's a music type person) I think I can judge in his place.
-
I don't even have a working movement engine done, yet.
YO ARCHEM DON'T READ THIS
The story of the Cat takes place in the world of Myrdia, a little setting I've been working on since I was 14. It's a work in progress, hence why a few things remain nameless.
At that point in history, Myrdia is going through it's Roaring Twenties.
The world is mostly water; the largest landmass is the size of Britain.
As a result, sailing technology is leagues above land transportation. Aircraft have been around for around ~30 years as well, but a good steamboat or ocean liner is preferred.
There are seven prominent races in the world:
Humans
Dwarves
Elves
Goblins
Dragons
Salamanders
and Cats
Humans are the technological powerhouse of the world. Their culture is kind of a fusion of Nordic and Celtic.
Dwarves are reclusive, due to religious reasons. Seeing a dwarf out of their island chain is rare.
Elves are second class citizens, again, due to religious reasons. It's VERY common to see them stoop to crime.
Goblins live in the far north, in a chain called The Crown. They're very mean, and have a cultural fixation with decay and chemicals.
Dragons come in every shade of the rainbow, and are about the size of a large horse. Dragon society is very elitist, usually based off of how "pure bred" you are.
Salamanders come from a swampy, tropical region in the south. They're very athletically built, and resemble Indian Buddhism in their culture. They are very skilled with magic regarding the mind.
Cats are...very unfinished. They're pretty bestial, and short tempered. They're very therianthropic in appearance (picture a werecat).
Ambrosia is a fruit that grows in the tropics. It's the color of a bruised banana, has kind of leathery skin, and has mushy insides. It's extremely sweet, kind of syrupy, and oft regarded as delicious as hell. It also makes the consumer euphoric, gives hallucinations, and is very addictive.
In 1920s Myrdia, Ambrosia is often baked into a hard candy, for smuggling purposes. I wasn't using slang for drugs there, it's literally candy. This makes the drug muuuch more potent.
It can also be fermented into wine, which kills some of the active drug ingredient. This variant is sold in speakeasies.
Hospitals use it to treat mental illness, and it's sometimes used as a painkiller.
Religion and government are tightly connected, due to world history and the fact that angels come down once in a while to tend to godly affairs.
I think that's it, at the moment.
SPOILERS DON'T WORK
-
I don't even have a working movement engine done, yet.
YO ARCHEM DON'T READ THIS
SPOILERS DON'T WORK
Duck. My "F" key is broken.
I'll either read the stories tonight or tomorrow, so some time over the next 24 hours. Oh damn, I've set expectations. Now we're doomed.
-
Well, I'm actually surprised at the results. To be honest, it is higher than what I expected. Which, of course, is a really good thing.
The words feeling forced... well yes, some kinda were, candy and Peacock being the most.
Thing is, I wrote the story in one go, with only a slight idea at first. What I first had in mind is pretty different than how it ended.
So, as I wrote, I had to find a way to add those words. And one I rarely do is change the story when it's written, which is why Death may not have been at the best place.
Peacock really was the worst. I had no idea where to put it in the story, which is why it's probably the word that feels the most forced.
As for Candy, I also didn't know where to put it. I first wanted Melvin to pick some at the table, but I decided to reserve this spot for Peacock, since I found an alternative place for it. It may not have been the best, but that's the only thing I could think of. And yes, you were right about its meaning.
Scripture also was supposed to be used differently, but then I thought the story might have ended up with too much stuff that was kind of unnecessary, so I went with what I did.
As for spelling mistakes, there are two problems. The first, you got it right. I was pretty tired.
The second, well, it's simply that English isn't my first language, so I may some times make silly mistakes.
But all in all, I'm really happy with the results. I expected like 6 at max. I'm glad you liked it. May attempt a next writing contest, we will see.
I'll leave the musical part to people with actual talent, though.
-
I'm pleased, and yes. I forgot candy. And I bet it shows where the word would've gone though. Silly mistake.
Also don't back off the music part! I have no musical skills whatsoever, remember my theme from Sprite for life? Yeah it was hideous and awful enough a fair attempt at making a useful theme. But I will enter, get an insurance for your ears fellas!
-
Oh. I guess I should keep a close eye on this now that those are done being judged.
-
Almost done.
-
It occurred to me that juggle was a required word that I completely forgot about looking for and taking into consideration how it was used in the stories. All of the stories entered used the word, so I don't feel a need to go back and change any scores. Just wanted to make a note of it since I never mentioned it in any of my ratings. :/
Ambrosia is a fruit that grows in the tropics. It's the color of a bruised banana, has kind of leathery skin, and has mushy insides. It's extremely sweet, kind of syrupy, and oft regarded as delicious as hell. It also makes the consumer euphoric, gives hallucinations, and is very addictive.
In 1920s Myrdia, Ambrosia is often baked into a hard candy, for smuggling purposes. I wasn't using slang for drugs there, it's literally candy. This makes the drug muuuch more potent.
It can also be fermented into wine, which kills some of the active drug ingredient. This variant is sold in speakeasies.
Hospitals use it to treat mental illness, and it's sometimes used as a painkiller.
Dude, if you had added that to the story it would've been wonderful. I couldn't get the thought of greek wine out of my head as I read the story, but reading this really pieces things together. I also feel educated, though in a fictional sense.
-
i couldn't figure out how to make it fit
Every time I wrote it, it was way too out of place and exposition dump-y.
-
Prpl_Mage
Pros: The setting was excellent, and the world seemed believable. The main character was deep enough that I gave a damn. The dark themes were well conveyed, and it seems like I read the prologue to a nice RPG. The theme of hopelessness was pretty clear, and the ending felt like a cold opening to a gothic film.
Cons: I have gripes about the spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. The most noteworthy flaw was the use of the word "abdominal" instead of "abominable". Many parts of the story could have used revision. The words used fit in well, except for "peacock", which seemed kind of plucked randomly from thin air. The word "candy" didn't show up at all. The idea of "show, don't tell" faded in and out, and left something to be desired at times.
Overall: Enjoyable read, but it felt somewhat rushed. 3.5 out of 5.
-
Moosetroop11
Pros: Excellent dialogue, the conversation felt incredibly natural. The usage of the required words was so well done that I had to re-read to find them all. They just fit. The characters and setting were quite rich, and the theme of regret was very pronounced. There's a moral at the heart of this work, and I enjoyed that. It feels a shame that this is a short story; it seems that there's so much more to tell.
Cons: One or two grammar flaws, nothing serious.
Overall: Very good story, nothing too disconcerting. 4.5 out of 5.
-
Cerebus
Notes: Overuse of "corpse"
Pros: Hints of sexual abuse of a child. It's a dark theme that I like to see explored, simply because of the taboo around it. The idea of children (I think?) taking revenge on an abusive parent is grim, but effective.
Cons: Half of the required words felt very forced into place, as if you were running out of story to tell. Other words showed up too often, making themselves a bit stale. The characters were poorly described, leaving it unclear until the end that a child was involved. The plush peacock suggests that Melvin was a child, but it's unclear. The story doesn't keep me interested, and is mostly one-dimensional. Children kill abuse parent, one of them an heroes. The ending seemed a bit lame. A few grammar and spelling flaws.
Overall: Not a very memorable tale of revenge, and the theme isn't well portrayed. 2 out of 5.
-
Fruckert
Pros: Non-human characters. I like that a bit more originality popped up here. The characterizations made the motives and racial choices seem significant. I liked the plot, and the fact that the world around the two protagonists seemed to be alive and well around them. The words fit in quite well, and the two main characters' speach patterns helped flesh them out as characters even more.
Cons: The ending seemed a bit cut off, like there was one more paragraph left to read. The theme of regret was poorly conveyed, and it seemed more like a build-up towards humor was coming our way, or at least a happy ending.
Overall: I like the world you've created, and want to know a bit more about the misadventures of the anti-heroes (or, perhaps just the surviving one). 4 out of 5
-
Lucas
Pros: The character seemed like a funny fellow with a not-so-funny history. The required words fit in pretty well, too. The theme of regret was there, subtly at first, but prominently at the finale.
Cons: There didn't seem to be enough back-story to explain the suicidal nature of the main character. The ending seemed a bit dirty, too, as though we didn't learn enough about the person to care about his actions. It felt as though the theme was supposed to be humor, but you went with regret. It seems as though the ending was the only thing that filled this out well enough to make it valid. Minor grammar issues.
Overall: Good read, but it lacked a certain something worth making me stick around to read more. Its briefness is fortunate. 3 out of 5
-
Sweet, seems like we're done.
And I placed loads higherr than I was expecting.
Now, for my rebuttal!
Both of you said I did poorly with theming, but I think you were expecting more "guilt" with regret, as opposed to the "I hate this and wish somebody would die" feeling I was going for.
I will admit outright that I am awful at endings. That criticism was well deserved. I'm going to try to fix that, though.
Confusing setting was pretty much entirely the fault of me using an "under construction" world.
Hell, at the beginning of the year, it would've been in an Edwardian steamounk setting.
BTW, Archem, you can read that primer now if you feel like it.
-
I did. Also, my concern with the theme isn't that it didn't meet expectations, but rather than I struggled to see anything regretful. It was simply a misadventure that went sour, but nothing worth regretting in the long run.
-
The way I saw it, the cat ran and ran and ran and'd just die in the end either way. Quite regretful imo.
-
steamounk
See why I didn't want to write that on my phone?
ill stop whoring all the attention now
-
It was good to have Archem on the team to give a second view point and also point out some things that I missed as I was judging. I feel the points he made were fair and valid :D
With that I declare moosetroop11 the winner of Part 1. Congratulations to to him and thanks to everyone who entered.
The second part of the contest begins now. If you're going to be a part of it, make a post saying so, that way I know who to wait for to begin judging. The rules on the first post still stand, so knock yourself out.
Now, I realize Moose's story might be a little bit difficult to make a musical theme too, considering its brevity and setting, so if people have issues making a song that goes with it, I might be coaxed into allowing the second place story (which I believe without looking back that it would be fruckert's) to be another story which a theme could be made for. I'll wait and see how people's works come along before I make that change official though.
Edit: And now, I demand three things from people.
1) Moose, tell us about "Bert".
2) Lucas, tell us what the deal was!
3) Cerebus, tell us; what did the father do to the kids? How old are the kids supposed to be?
-
If I tell you, the magic is lost. :P
-
Grats!
I should read the other stories now.
-
Welp, time to read his story again and see what I can come up with. It may prove to be difficult with the small amount of music, but It'll keep me from writing a symphony. haha
I'll edit this later with my entry I guess.
-
Cerebus
Notes: Overuse of "corpse"
Pros: Hints of sexual abuse of a child. It's a dark theme that I like to see explored, simply because of the taboo around it. The idea of children (I think?) taking revenge on an abusive parent is grim, but effective.
Cons: Half of the required words felt very forced into place, as if you were running out of story to tell. Other words showed up too often, making themselves a bit stale. The characters were poorly described, leaving it unclear until the end that a child was involved. The plush peacock suggests that Melvin was a child, but it's unclear. The story doesn't keep me interested, and is mostly one-dimensional. Children kill abuse parent, one of them an heroes. The ending seemed a bit lame. A few grammar and spelling flaws.
Overall: Not a very memorable tale of revenge, and the theme isn't well portrayed. 2 out of 5.
Well, I hate you too. Except not. But yours is a result closer to what I expected. And that's fine! I need to know what requires improvement.
Words being forced was indeed a problem. Had a hard time having a few of them fitting in there.
The overuse of certain words is mainly due to tiredness and not finding synonyms or re-wording things in a better way.
The lack of description is because I actually wanted to not make it clear right away that these were kids with their dad.
The ending was mainly me trying to find a way to have "scripture" fit. It was supposed to be different, but I decided to go for something that would fit the theme more.
For spelling mistakes, tiredness and English not being my main language.
So, next time I write something... I need to sleep before. And perhaps plan my story ahead instead of let it develop as I write it...
Thanks for judging, I'll keep those things in mind.
3) Cerebus, tell us; what did the father do to the kids? How old are the kids supposed to be?
I haven't thought about any specific details, but what I can say is that usually, "candy" is something that goes into your mouth.
As for their age, as I said in the story, Olivia is 13 and Melvin is younger. I was thinking of something like 11 years old for him.
-
Oh, hey, my personal notes were copy + pasted into the judging post for your entry. That wasn't supposed to be there. But hey, whatever. The outcome is still the same.
-
I'm in on the music bit, gotta download me a program to make some sound though.
Anyone knows any good programs? realised that notation-typed ones were hard to understand.
-
Some programs are on the first page, I think AFL posted a bunch of ones you could use.
Anyone working on this?
-
Urk, sorry. Had things on. Will do!
-
I will be, I'm working on the stuff I get paid to write first. haha
-
Look at that guy, getting paid to do what he likes. What a bastard.
-
Yeah, **** him.
-
So, ~2 weeks later, anyone got anything? This pretty much seems dead.
-
Oh right. Forgot to write it.
Tried a lot of those programs but didn't find them very user friendly. Downloaded midimaker but it was as infected as Aiur, gave my computer some challenge. In the end I never actually got around making something that would resemble a song of regret I'm afraid.
-
I still am working on it! Haha, I've been stuck with what I had been working on for a high school, but now that I've pushed through I have some time for this.
-
Oh, I thought this contest was over. :P
-
I suck at music.
I always tend to make some sort of monotonous droning beat.
Shame too...some of my best memories are from orchestra.
OTHERWISE I'd totally join.
I might join MiContest 3 if I stop making fantasy noir characters, though.
-
I was working on something, but I ended up twisting it into my music project instead. It's just as well, seeing as it barely fit the theme.
-
I can't even use music-making software.
Maybe if I can get my cousin's ocarina borrowed I could play something and record it. Only instrument I can play, really. I like it, though. Quite a happy, cheerful sound. And whenever I play videogame songs, all nerds love me.