Opinions opinions!

[CynicalOakvale]

So, I registered, and I dropped off the face of the earth, but now I'm back with my very first thread!
I've been meaning to write short-stories revolving around several or a single character going on some sort of quest.
Kill a baby dragon, save the two headed naga princess, drink from the fountain of eternal old age.
Basically very weird stuff, in a very weird world that doesn't make any sense, but is in a way still compelling, and in fact has a certain message to it (somewhat like Adventure time).

I've come up with a sort of chat based writing style, and I'm not even sure I myself like it yet. So I figured I'd post it here, to see what you guys think about it.

Does this writing style work for you? yes? no? why? and on top of that, is it a good to read format?
Would you be able to get into a story if you see a characters name at the start of each sentence he/she says? would you rather have each character be represented by a color?
Does the extra commentary about what that character does while he/she says something bother you in any way?
And finally, should I stick to a more traditional writing style to make it work?

The sample I made for this was done in fifteen minutes, so it's severely lacking in every aspect. I just made it up to show you what it would look like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

''Falo: Let me see!
He climbs on top of Abeastas shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of their newly arrived quest card. This one arrived via mole mail, the fastest way to get your letters across the world!

Abeastas: stoppeth thine annoyable actions! The queste is mine!
He grabs Falo by the arm and throws him headfirst into the bookshelves. Pulling his sword out, and pointing it at him as he struggles to stand up.

Falo: But, but, apparently, the timber king must die! The king of wood, grass, leaves and acorns. He’s a good guy! A bold guy! A king!
As he stands up he stares blandly at Abeastas, wondering if Abe makes up all of his sentences as he goes, or if Baligrian angels are really that weird.

Abeastas: Timber king Leafri hath to dieth from oureth swordeths and thus our queste shall be to desecrate his beloveth forestal fields of greenery.
He raises his sword into the sky, and laughs triumphantly, then quickly gives Falo a mean glare.

Igro: Abeastas, give the quest card to Falo, he should see it too, Falo is the navigational hero of maps!
He knew he was right, because Falo could navigate to anywhere in the world, purely by listening to the winds of the planet. But also, because Falo has a giant collection of maps, stored in his neverending pouch.

Abeastas: I shall noth giveth the queste cardth to Falo the Navigatory championist of parchements of landmarks! I shall forgo this queste myself, without thine intervention, all that is prized shall bego unto me for slayering the timber king.
He violently slashes his sword at both Falo and Igro, shouting rampantly as he tries to chase them off.

Falo: oh yes you will you holy.. holy… templar of noodles!  AAAAAAHHH LANDMARK SMASH!!!!
As stupid as he is, he uses his strongest spell, the one he can only use once every year, directing it at his companion, who now obviously hates him. Landmark smash has the potential to destroy a morgothian dragonlord, and thus the danger of using it indoors is hardly ignorable. However! Falo channels his spell, and changes his aim to the quest card, destroying it instantly, leaving Abeastas holding only dust.

Igro: …Falo, you didn’t just…
His jaw drops to the ground, literally. As he picks it up and puts it back in place he starts to slap Falo on the cheek repeatedly calling him an idiot.

Abeastas: argh! The cardeth! Why haveth thou destoyeth mine queste cardth!
He does not know what to do, and is left staring at the ashes that were once a quest card with a 1.000.000.000 gold reward.

Falo: if only you can have it! None of us can have it! NONE! OF! US! BYE BYE TIMBER KING! BYE BYE MONEY.
He loses his mind and starts running in circles, screaming out loud. Eventually he runs face first into the kitchen stove, losing consciousness.

Igro: oh jezus..
In amazement he stares at the scene that just played out before him. Wondering how he ended up with an egoistic angel, and a maniacal idiot. He leaves the room behind, and goes out for a stroll in the fields of endless sheep.''


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: I can also imagine this working in some kind of flash game. Also, i intend to add lore for all of the stories. As an example Lilia the reporter writes detailed information about all the heroes. Bilby proffesorson writes about all the different lands that are described. Gobos the monster hunter writes about monsters etc. etc. Lore would be written tradionally with each lore character having a distinctive commical style of writing and describing things.

[Moosetroop11]

I quite like the style, actually, though that might be because I'm used to homestuck. It does have a nice 'different' feel to it.

One big suggestion I have it that you don't put descriptive text between every line. It gets tiring fast.  Put some description, then a few dialogue bits to help with flow.

Also, "his jaw drops to the ground, literally"... that sort of 'the author is laughing his own *** off at this' type of writing tends to annoy me and kill any humour that was in it :p

[drenrin2120]

Moosetroop is definitely right, you can condense some of those descriptive sentences into paragraphs and cut others out all together. If you want to stick with the 'dialogue-mostly' style, look up play script formatting, because that's essentially what you're doing. That said, I enjoy this style of writing. To the point, enjoyable, while also being a sort of manual for directors of any medium. Also, welcome!

[CynicalOakvale]

Thanks allot guys. I will be looking up on that tomorrow drenrin, its getting late but I figured I'd keep you guys posted.

I've been experimenting over the last couple of days hence the lack of updates or posts in general.
That said, I've changed the style of writing a little, mainly in the way it is presented.
I found the name of the character at the start of each line, and the double dot distracting from the overal feel of it.

I came up with this:

'Character name
Bla bla bla, whatever it is he or she has to say.

Character name 2
More bla bla, more talking.

Description of the scene at hand, what happens and why, vivid descriptions of surroundings, characters and so on.'

I've been working on it, but progress is a bit slow.

Picked up on Moose's advice, characters have conversations now, and then after five to ten dialogue lines it switches to the description of the scene. It worked allot better as you said, and gives room for more vivid depiction of scenes.

I've taken the overall feel of the writing to a more mature style. And decided to go with a chapter format for each individual story (to a maximum of five chapters per story). Chapter five obviously being the grande finale, unless it jumps to another story that involves another character from the previous story(I hope that makes any sense).

There's been some writing done today, but I'll post that tomorrow, it's getting late out here.

Thanks again guys!

[drenrin2120]

Dialogue can be really tough, even where it is not really present. It can be one of the few tools a writer has to really give the reader insight into a character. So nailing it is really important. Even in novels though, there are often parts where multiple characters are speaking and only their dialogue is listed since who is speaking is implied.

[Prpl_Mage]

Yeah like the others said, it's kind of a screenplay. So if you wanted this turned into an animation(,movie or play) or so it would work great. Kinda Shakespearian.

Your second idea sounds a lot better. But as Dren pointed out, putting the names in kind of ruins the flow.

I'm thinking about stuff like:

blablabla blablabla character 1 leaned in close to his compadre.
"There's going to be an eclipse tonight, huh?"
"there just might be"
"this could make our task just a bit easier" He poked around in the backpack to retrieve the compass "If we ever make it there in time"

[drenrin2120]

Maybe it should also be pointed out that, at least from personal experience, before writing anything I've often spent months agonizing over characters and exploring them in my mind's eye to try and understand them better. Only after extensively exploring their backgrounds and biographies (much of which will never show up or be fully explained in a story setting) did I feel comfortable writing dialogues for them and even writing about them in general. It's also probably important to note (though this may be implied) that this includes anatagonists and supporting characters.

[Prpl_Mage]

And I do the complete opposite to Dren. I have an idea and I go with it. I prefer to change characters along the way (although not a schizophrenia turnaround) and even kill some of them off when necessary. Whenever I plan too much I just end up locking myself in and the characters end up kinda stale. But, maybe I'm just planning it wrong.