The uncorrected version of my short story.

[kodakumi]

i had a task in tafe where we had to write a book, unfortuanetly i was rushed... so its not that descriptive and has a few spelling errors.

i will send this document to everyone.


credit goes to me for writing.

and devil may cry for inspiration.


PLEASE, DO NOT PUT ON ANY OTHER SITE WITHOUT PERMISSION (thats just wrong).

and excuse the errors and try to enjoy it.

i cant send the character descriptions... sorry.

[kodakumi]

Its science fiction with a touch of horror (just a touch)

some nice badly described action scenes.

a few paths and a few endings.

[ZeroKirbyX]

I never liked those choose your own adventure things. If you wanna make a good story stick with one ending.

[kodakumi]

heh heh, sorry... just choose the better ending.

HAVE YOU READ IT THOUGH!!

i need constructive critisism... not blasphemy stuff... although im must admit the sub ending is horrible.

i like the other ending better... more cliffhanging.

[VulcanRaven336]

You rush  into the next event to quickly, try showing the main character's mood, thoughts, and a little of the sorroundings before going on to the next scene.

EX: When Lita is trapped in the cell, her friend out of no where just tells her to run.
YOu could of explained her friend more in detail and showed a sence of urgency in her tone, and a sence of fright in lita.

[kodakumi]

Originally posted by VulcanRaven336
You rush  into the next event to quickly, try showing the main character's mood, thoughts, and a little of the sorroundings before going on to the next scene.

EX: When Lita is trapped in the cell, her friend out of no where just tells her to run.
YOu could of explained her friend more in detail and showed a sence of urgency in her tone, and a sence of fright in lita.

okay, thank you.

i am posting this thread so i can get feedback sort of liker yours... i had a week to write that and now that its the holidays, i have all the time in the world.

ill remember your critique.

i still cant post the character bios because copryrighted images are veing used