Horror Review #3: Blood Gnomes

[Drace]

You have B movies and you have B movies. Some are good, some are funny, some you watch because of nostalgia or because it just doesn't bother you. But there are B movies that are total and utter bullcrap that tastes like diarhea out of a roadkill skunks ***. Yes, I love the Angry Video Game Nerd and yes, I am going to discuss a movie even though I said I would not.

Blood Gnomes

Now for you who have never heard of this movie, do not feel ashamed. This is a B movie of the bottom floor which I bet did not even gotten released in many stores. But here in my town, we have one particular store that has a lot of these movies. Simply named Euroland and famed for it's low prices, it has a small DVD section I search through from time to time. Now, someone else bought this DVD for me a while ago, but I know the quality of that store. It has to be from there.

The Story

Now the story of Blood Gnomes isn't even the place where it ALL goes wrong. It's got some interessting points which were just poorly produced. Nudity is something that we expect in horror movie now-a-days. It's like when directors make movies, they say something like this: "Hey, put a nipple or a boob that for some distractions of our main plot." This may work in most movies, but that has a very special reason. Simply put, there isn't too much in it. Nudity, ok. Semi-core porn horror without porn, no-good. This movies features so much nude women and semi-nude guys it just ain't enjoyable anymore. Seriously, I got so turned down because of it. Why do I tell you all this? Well, it has something to do with the plot.

BDSM. Bondage, Domination and Spank a Man or something. I dunno. BDSM is a big part of this movie. Now, the name of the movies gives away something that you might have guessed. It features gnomes. More precisely, bloody gnomes. Now these "Blood Gnomes" are born when "Mother" eats flesh, human flesh. As a result of eating this flesh, "Blood Gnomes" are born out of the "Evil Vagina From Hell" (you actually see this in the movie). This "Mother" also has some sort of ruler, Elandra. She is a BDSM-er and loves has "Mother" as a pet. The feeds the beast the flesh, she helps with the labour of the beast and also makes drugs of the placenta. These "Blood Gnomes" are invinsible and can only be seen if you have swallowed their blood. They also do not have a lot of power unless the victim is bleeding. This is were the BDSM comes in place, because they mostly attack BDSM-ers who practise the Blood Sport version. Making your lover bleed before and/or during the deed. Dead people are found and our main protagonist comes in action.

Daniel is the main protagonist. He works at the police force as a strong, smart and wise... photographer? Okay. So he's not strong, but he does have brains... to some extent. He slowly finds these creatures because of the nightvision mode of his camera. It's a defect model that is too strong and thus is able to view the critters. His boss tells him to find out more about BDSM and he meets with Divinity. He learns about BDSM, gets the girl, goes a bit nuts, tries to warn Divinity, gets framed by the blood gnomes, they abduct her and there is a big blood sport party. Held, of course, by Elandra. He comes there and tries to warn everyone, but in vain. He gets tied to a chair, they get slaughtered and he manages to fight Elandra and she gets eaten by "Mother". Then "Mother" gets sucked in the ground... or something. I dunno, the ending was vague. Daniel gets the girl and all is well. At least, try to explain those bodies to the police. Yeah.

The Visuals

Now there are a lot of camera **** ups with this. I mean, a lot. The entire bloody movie is fucked up. It's like they had to held the camera themselves because most of the time you can't see their entire head, it's that close by. The scenery is over-lighted and the monsters, well... I dunno. Sometimes they look good, but most of the times it's so damned fake.

Acting

Oh the acting, oh god. It's so bad it's baaaad. There is a fight scene in there between Elandra and a cop, and it looked so weak. Daniel is awesome one moment and like wtf the next.

Extras

Included on my version of the DVD is a Making Of. It just annoys me. They act like it is great and awesome and like "OMG it turned out so good, better than I ever expected" that I'm thinking, what DID you expect?

Conclusion

Overall, another B movie flop. The story has some promise, maybe for a remake that makes it better, but gets dragged underground by the visuals, acting and BDSM part. It's bad, but still more enjoyable than Open Water.

2.5 out of 10 bloody gnomes

[Red Fox]

Wow... BDSM, Nudity and Gnomes... I need to download this.

[Dominicy]

Sounds more like fetish porn than a horror movie.  Given, I might have spent too much time on ED.

[Almeidaboo]

Laughs, lots.

[Roland_Deschain]

The title alone explains why this movie sucks. NOTHING with a title Blood Gnomes could be anything but
A) a cheesey horror movie.
B) as Dom said, fetish porn.
C) a new monster in WoW.

[Dominicy]

Slowly Drace becomes the Nostalgia Critic 2.0.  Actually - that'll bring unwanted attention to Charas.  We must end him before he can be our downfall *tearfully put gun to Drace's head*

Kay, enough of that trying to be funny crap ;p  Looking forward to your next review :3

[Drace]

You what the fun part is? When I want to write these reviews because I'm telling myself I have to, the creativity seems to be lost. But when I randomly start writing stuff or think of a bad movie, it all comes to mind.

[fruckert]

Nice


You should do another Uwe movie

[drenrin2120]

I give it a 10/10!











...that is, of course, the review.