MIContest 2

[Archem]

I don't even have a working movement engine done, yet.

YO ARCHEM DON'T READ THIS

SPOILERS DON'T WORK

Duck. My "F" key is broken.

I'll either read the stories tonight or tomorrow, so some time over the next 24 hours. Oh damn, I've set expectations. Now we're doomed.

[Cerebus]

Well, I'm actually surprised at the results. To be honest, it is higher than what I expected. Which, of course, is a really good thing.

The words feeling forced... well yes, some kinda were, candy and Peacock being the most.
Thing is, I wrote the story in one go, with only a slight idea at first. What I first had in mind is pretty different than how it ended.
So, as I wrote, I had to find a way to add those words. And one I rarely do is change the story when it's written, which is why Death may not have been at the best place.
Peacock really was the worst. I had no idea where to put it in the story, which is why it's probably the word that feels the most forced.
As for Candy, I also didn't know where to put it. I first wanted Melvin to pick some at the table, but I decided to reserve this spot for Peacock, since I found an alternative place for it. It may not have been the best, but that's the only thing I could think of. And yes, you were right about its meaning.

Scripture also was supposed to be used differently, but then I thought the story might have ended up with too much stuff that was kind of unnecessary, so I went with what I did.

As for spelling mistakes, there are two problems. The first, you got it right. I was pretty tired.
The second, well, it's simply that English isn't my first language, so I may some times make silly mistakes.

But all in all, I'm really happy with the results. I expected like 6 at max. I'm glad you liked it. May attempt a next writing contest, we will see.
I'll leave the musical part to people with actual talent, though.

[Prpl_Mage]

I'm pleased, and yes. I forgot candy. And I bet it shows where the word would've gone though. Silly mistake.

Also don't back off the music part! I have no musical skills whatsoever, remember my theme from Sprite for life? Yeah it was hideous and awful enough a fair attempt at making a useful theme. But I will enter, get an insurance for your ears fellas!

[A Forgotten Legend]

Oh.  I guess I should keep a close eye on this now that those are done being judged.

[fruckert]

Almost done.

[Meiscool]

It occurred to me that juggle was a required word that I completely forgot about looking for and taking into consideration how it was used in the stories. All of the stories entered used the word, so I don't feel a need to go back and change any scores. Just wanted to make a note of it since I never mentioned it in any of my ratings. :/

Ambrosia is a fruit that grows in the tropics. It's the color of a bruised banana, has kind of leathery skin, and has mushy insides. It's extremely sweet, kind of syrupy, and oft regarded as delicious as hell. It also makes the consumer euphoric, gives hallucinations, and is very addictive.
In 1920s Myrdia, Ambrosia is often baked into a hard candy, for smuggling purposes. I wasn't using slang for drugs there, it's literally candy. This makes the drug muuuch more potent.
It can also be fermented into wine, which kills some of the active drug ingredient. This variant is sold in speakeasies.
Hospitals use it to treat mental illness, and it's sometimes used as a painkiller.

Dude, if you had added that to the story it would've been wonderful. I couldn't get the thought of greek wine out of my head as I read the story, but reading this really pieces things together. I also feel educated, though in a fictional sense.

[fruckert]

i couldn't figure out how to make it fit
Every time I wrote it, it was way too out of place and exposition dump-y.

[Archem]

Prpl_Mage

Pros: The setting was excellent, and the world seemed believable. The main character was deep enough that I gave a damn. The dark themes were well conveyed, and it seems like I read the prologue to a nice RPG. The theme of hopelessness was pretty clear, and the ending felt like a cold opening to a gothic film.

Cons: I have gripes about the spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. The most noteworthy flaw was the use of the word "abdominal" instead of "abominable". Many parts of the story could have used revision. The words used fit in well, except for "peacock", which seemed kind of plucked randomly from thin air. The word "candy" didn't show up at all. The idea of "show, don't tell" faded in and out, and left something to be desired at times.

Overall: Enjoyable read, but it felt somewhat rushed. 3.5 out of 5.

[Archem]

Moosetroop11

Pros: Excellent dialogue, the conversation felt incredibly natural. The usage of the required words was so well done that I had to re-read to find them all. They just fit. The characters and setting were quite rich, and the theme of regret was very pronounced. There's a moral at the heart of this work, and I enjoyed that. It feels a shame that this is a short story; it seems that there's so much more to tell.

Cons: One or two grammar flaws, nothing serious.

Overall: Very good story, nothing too disconcerting. 4.5 out of 5.

[Archem]

Cerebus

Notes: Overuse of "corpse"

Pros: Hints of sexual abuse of a child. It's a dark theme that I like to see explored, simply because of the taboo around it. The idea of children (I think?) taking revenge on an abusive parent is grim, but effective.

Cons: Half of the required words felt very forced into place, as if you were running out of story to tell. Other words showed up too often, making themselves a bit stale. The characters were poorly described, leaving it unclear until the end that a child was involved. The plush peacock suggests that Melvin was a child, but it's unclear. The story doesn't keep me interested, and is mostly one-dimensional. Children kill abuse parent, one of them an heroes. The ending seemed a bit lame. A few grammar and spelling flaws.

Overall: Not a very memorable tale of revenge, and the theme isn't well portrayed. 2 out of 5.

[Archem]

Fruckert

Pros: Non-human characters. I like that a bit more originality popped up here. The characterizations made the motives and racial choices seem significant. I liked the plot, and the fact that the world around the two protagonists seemed to be alive and well around them. The words fit in quite well, and the two main characters' speach patterns helped flesh them out as characters even more.

Cons: The ending seemed a bit cut off, like there was one more paragraph left to read. The theme of regret was poorly conveyed, and it seemed more like a build-up towards humor was coming our way, or at least a happy ending.

Overall: I like the world you've created, and want to know a bit more about the misadventures of the anti-heroes (or, perhaps just the surviving one). 4 out of 5

[Archem]

Lucas

Pros: The character seemed like a funny fellow with a not-so-funny history. The required words fit in pretty well, too. The theme of regret was there, subtly at first, but prominently at the finale.

Cons: There didn't seem to be enough back-story to explain the suicidal nature of the main character. The ending seemed a bit dirty, too, as though we didn't learn enough about the person to care about his actions. It felt as though the theme was supposed to be humor, but you went with regret. It seems as though the ending was the only thing that filled this out well enough to make it valid. Minor grammar issues.

Overall: Good read, but it lacked a certain something worth making me stick around to read more. Its briefness is fortunate. 3 out of 5

[fruckert]

Sweet, seems like we're done.
And I placed loads higherr than I was expecting.

Now, for my rebuttal!
Both of you said I did poorly with theming, but I think you were expecting more "guilt" with regret, as opposed to the "I hate this and wish somebody would die" feeling I was going for.

I will admit outright that I am awful at endings. That criticism was well deserved. I'm going to try to fix that, though.

Confusing setting was pretty much entirely the fault of me using an "under construction" world.
Hell, at the beginning of the year, it would've been in an Edwardian steamounk setting.

BTW, Archem, you can read that primer now if you feel like it.

[Archem]

I did. Also, my concern with the theme isn't that it didn't meet expectations, but rather than I struggled to see anything regretful. It was simply a misadventure that went sour, but nothing worth regretting in the long run.

[ellie-is]

The way I saw it, the cat ran and ran and ran and'd just die in the end either way. Quite regretful imo.