Standing up.

[Archem]

Boredom has set in again, and it always over-stays its welcome. But this time, I've got a plan! Tell jokes worthy of a stand-up comedy act! Too bad I don't have that many... So tell any you particularly like/made up, that way we can all enjoy good comedy!

"I hate road signs. They're so deceiving! I saw one the other day that said "Slow, children at play", but it had no comma, so I read it like, cautionarily, "SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY!" It scared me, because I did not know how to react! Slow kids... Should I help them assemble that block tower, then escourt them to the potty; or wait for them to move; or honk the horn and drive right through them? Then there was the other part of me that was panicking: what do I have to hold caution over?! Are they slow kids with hand grenades? Does one of them have a grudge? I sure hope it's not against me!" - Me

[plightofthepureblood]

"I bought a box of instant water yesterday"

           -Stephen Wright

[Archem]

Oh wow, that was pretty funny.

"My friend came up to me the other day and said "I'm hungry". My first responce was "You lying ***hole! All these years, I've been deceived! You say you're Hungry, and I thought you were Gary! My whole world has been turned upside-down!" He tried to correct me, though: "No, man, I mean it as in 'I want something to eat'." "Oh, that's not cool! Twice in one go, man! You're an awful friend, lying to me all these years! You kept saying "No, I don't want that Pop Tart that you left in the toaster for a week", but all this time you were just holding out for a meal at a fancy restaurant! Man, we are not friends any more!" - Me

[MrMister]

Originally posted by Archem2
Oh wow, that was pretty funny.

"My friend came up to me the other day and said "I'm hungry". My first responce was "You lying ***hole! All these years, I've been deceived! You say you're Hungry, and I thought you were Gary! My whole world has been turned upside-down!" He tried to correct me, though: "No, man, I mean it as in 'I want something to eat'." "Oh, that's not cool! Twice in one go, man! You're an awful friend, lying to me all these years! You kept saying "No, I don't want that Pop Tart that you left in the toaster for a week", but all this time you were just holding out for a meal at a fancy restaurant! Man, we are not friends any more!" - Me

Stop quoting yourself, jackass.

"I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the KEEP IT." - Mitch Hedburg

"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table." - Mitch Hedburg

[ZeroKirbyX]

"I'll have the caesar salad and the hot pocket". "Yes, tonight's special is  we have a sea bass which is broiled and a hot pocket cooked in a dirty microwave, and that comes with a side of pepto." "Is your hot pocket cold in the middle?" "It's frozen, but it can be served boiling lava hot." "Will it burn my mouth?" "It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month." "I'll have the hot pocket."- Jim Gaffigan

[Archem]

Originally posted by MrMister
Stop quoting yourself, jackass.

Ok, but only because it seems unneccessary.

...Tell jokes worthy of a stand-up comedy act... tell any you particularly like/made up...

o w8... But seriously I'm just trying to sap my boredom off onto you guys. :p
Thanks for the Mitch stuff, though.

[plightofthepureblood]

o w8... But seriously I'm just trying to sap my boredom off onto you guys. :p

It must have worked. Playstation cant even keep my attention right now. Thanks archem.  >,>;

[Archem]

You're welcome! you're my new boredom sponge!

"I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when it's finished, it says GO OUTSIDE." Demetri Martin

[plightofthepureblood]

My girlfriend is big on expressing herself through body language.
Shes hard to understand though, Being a quadropalegic and all.

[RuneBlade]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoKCA3z2brg Video made of Stand up comedy by Dane cook combined with Halo characters

[lonewolf]

i was out  of food so
i what to a chip shop
i ask the girl for a knife and fork
she got me the knife
i ask her one more time
i like a fork from you
she  slapped my face
i ask her why she did this
im not here for that there is
a shop down the road  if
you looking for a that
and you have to pay for it
god all i needed was
a fork for my food
im sorry sir i did not know
you needed it for you food
she walk a way
the thing is my uk
is not so good
she was thinking
i like to go to bed
with her for some think
more than food

[FFL2and3rocks]

Can't remember who said this one... and I'm just paraphrasing here.

 
Who came up with the jingle for Hot Pockets? Did someone forget to do it and then come up with it at the last second at the meeting?
"So, what's your theme song for Hot Pockets?"
"uhhh... 'Hot pocket!'"
"Great! You're a genius."

[ZeroKirbyX]

Originally posted by FFL2and3rocks
Can't remember who said this one... and I'm just paraphrasing here.

 
Who came up with the jingle for Hot Pockets? Did someone forget to do it and then come up with it at the last second at the meeting?
"So, what's your theme song for Hot Pockets?"
"uhhh... 'Hot pocket!'"
"Great! You're a genius."

Jim Gaffigan.

"Imagine that meeting. "Yeah, we take a pop-tart anbd fill it with nasty meat, and you cook it in a sleeve... thing. Then you dunk it in the toilet." Hot pockeeeet" -Jim Gaffigan

[Dragoon de Sol]

All from Jeff Dunham:

"What's your favote type of beer?"
"An open one"

"Do you think you have a drinking problem?"
"No I pretty much got it figured out."

"When do you know you've drank too much?"
"When I run out."

"Did you propse to her?"
"No, her daddy did that for me."
"What do you mean?"
"I showed up at 7:30 and her daddy was on the porch with his shotgun and said 'Hey Bubba J...Guess who else is late."
(laughs)
"I'm glad you're laughing. Someone had to explain it to me...I still don't get it."

[Archem]

Yeah, but how will we market it in Mexico?

Caliente Pocket!

"I would not make a very good firefighter. Because I love barbeques. Especially hen they're out of control, because there's nothing more fun than watching a guy on fire run by, followed by you stealing that hot dog he was about to eat." - Me