poems i wrote

[Noobpwner]

Here are the poems

The first one does kinda sound like a song i heard before and it constantly pisses me off..

Hopefully I can trust everyone not to take and claim these as their own cause if they do I WILL FIND YOU AND RIP OFF YOUR HEAD!!! Then run away....

i.         The calm before the storm
                                   by eric h.

its the calm before the storm,
   Its warm
 before its torn
Its the calm before the storm

the birds all started singing a solemn song
   as the old man smoking the golden pipe
   reached for his bloody scythe
Its almost to long
   before the sky is to come

The darkness covers the sky
   followed by a blood curdling cry
Its a never ending shroud
The darkness screaming aloud
   the birds stopped there tune
     for they must fly to their home on the moon

its the calm before the storm,
   Its warm
 before its torn
Its calm before the storm

the fire is burning brightly in the room
   before its wisped out by the moon
the men on earth all began to cry
they knew what was nigh
as the stench of death floated in the sky

God cried in heaven,
As the earths air was huffed out
the man with the golden pipe
decided that man was ripe...

ii.       junk head
                 by eric h.


Lying is lame
because of you
Its a fudging shame
Your untied shoe

It all turned blue
I cant live around this crew
There aint no fame
Its all because of you

Darkness cover
Life is blurred
Your laying on the curb
your drunk'n disturbed

Your toxins kicking in, Your poisins a bad fad
Your a horrible young lad
Drugs wont work, dont self subscribe

This life it aint for you
Its ok to cry
just dont deny
You cant live for this lie

Dont even try
Its a persuasion
You've dug your own hole
Now theres no way out
You can try to shout
but no one can hear you
no one is near you

Your little fad
its ending out bad
Dont pull me down
you cant push me around

You've done this yourself
Your as lifeless as a toy on the shelf
This time you took to much
Its to bad it had to end as such!


iii.   DARK ROAD OF TOOLS
   by eric h.


the fire in the night
comes as the devils delight
the deafly flight
of the dragons sheer might

The ghosts and ghouls
of the dark road of tools
all live in the shadows
and the darklit medows

The life of the night
it just might fright
those not worthy of this plight
for the heavens do smite
them who live in these alleys
who crawl in these valleys

the dark road of tools
is not meant for those fools
the dragon still flies
as the devil still lies
for them who be honest
the people may not be the fondest

The liars and cheats
all live with their ghastly feets
for the people believe
the deafly lies passed by
for it is not the liars
or the unholy spires
but the truthfull who do fuel them devilish fires

Those monsters on the road of tools
are cruel and without rules
ruled by the devil
they shall never die
although they shall lie
them suffering forever
on this dark road of tools

The ghosts and ghouls
of the dark road of tools
all live in the shadows
and the darklit medows

The life of the night
it just might fright
those not worthy of this plight
for the heavens they do smite
them who live in these alleys
who crawl in these valleys



there ye go like i said before STEAL THESE AND DIE!!!
but not really cause ill just right more when i think of random stuff that rhymes...

[Moosetroop11]

Rest assured that I won't steal any.

[Noobpwner]

they suck that much?

[Dragonium]

I will give you two hints.

1) Poetry does not have to rhyme.

2) Throwing random words and phrases together that rhyme is not poetry.

It sounds like you're forcing it too much. Don't just sit down and think "I'm gonna write poetry". Don't try to write stuff, just wait until you have a poem in your head and then write it down.

Poetry doesn't need any particular rhyme scheme or layout. Poetry should be about freedom of thought and expression, not about throwing together random phrases.

The first was meh, and the other two were just bad, to be blunt.

Keep going. Writing improves by writing.

[Bluhman]

 

Lying is lame
because of you
Its a fudging shame
Your untied shoe

Damn... Fine poetry work you're doing there!

[aboutasoandthis]

The first reminded me of e.e.cummings in a way. It tried to hard though. It sounded way too much like there was a merciless god trying to destroy the world.

I honestly liked the second one. I thought is was okay. It sounded like you two were rock stars or something, but he was in it for the glory and the drugs. Except for a few weird parts, it flowed. A little editing and a nice beat and it could've sounded like a rap song.

The third was flat out pitiful. I could barely understand the point. This one sounded random. The words you used didn't really match each other. (Were you using satanic symbols or horror comedy?)

Overall, your poems have a weird "I HATE THE ****ing WORLD" tone. Sometimes it can be a good thing, but in the first especially it isn't. They also lack subtleness and consistency. Again, I liked the second but flat out hated the first and third.

I've got a weird taste in writings so a lot of people probably wouldn't agree with me.

[Noobpwner]

I do write them when things pop in my head.  Although when I do that I try to make the word's Rhyme.  The first and second were for a school project the third was for fun.  For the third I was thinking of like fire well I was falling asleep then I just like thought fire=devil then just thought of maybe like how the devil lyes and that people who lie get farther in life then truthful people.  So then on that road or whatever their all liars cheats and basically satanists and when truthful and honest people go their they are taken advantage of and stuff. The dragon things represent god and good that just randomly had to do with fire too so got in on it.  I usually don't have a general direction just a small word or idea the second one I was high and like pissed off at everyone cause I'm trying to quit all drugs I exaggerated allot!  So I was sitting their and then I added in the parts about the crew and ****.  Then the untied shoe **** was just for rhyming plus It sounded funny so I liked it.  The first was about a storm cause they look cool. And I was having a smoke when it was pouring out and thats how I thought of that cause like before a storm its all come and you can smell it in the air, But I had to add a twist so I made it the end of the earth with the angel of death (not the Nazi) and God and stuff then it all just flowed out. These are just my serious poems I'm posting here cause the others are like ****ing STUPID!!! Thank you If you read this for everyone else who stopped when I started rambling you do not deserve to read this anyway cause it's top secret.....

 


EDIT: Also For the calm and road of tools I listen to heavey metal 1 week than punk then grunge so I bet you can guess which is which.

[aboutasoandthis]

well. i read it.

[Noobpwner]

Originally posted by aboutasoandthis
well. i read it.

Good job. And that was not sarcasm.

really though thanks for reading that so does it make scene to you or is it just like randomness in paragraphs?

EDIT: Also I forgot to add I was trying to write them to go with different riffs and stuff for a song but I think I need to get a better singer cause I just tried recording it again and I sounded like a horse on crack.

[Moosetroop11]

Originally posted by Noobpwner
they suck that much?

Wow, you took that well. Now I feel kinda bad for being so much less constructive than usual.

I think some bits had potential but were lost in verses which were there for the hell of it or made no sense whatsoever. Poems alse tend to work better if only displaying one emotion- if the poem's serious, funny bits will just kill it.

So take everyone's critisicm on board, keep on writing, and show us what you come up with

[Noobpwner]

Guy's  was wonderin if you could help me figure out what to write about next cause I wanna try and use your tips but I havent had time to have a smoke get hight take a e or get wasted and hungover in the last hour so I'm gunna go for a smoke and when I come back I'm gunn a check If you guys put subjects down.


SOMETHING LIKE drugs, sex, seringe, death, Water etc.

I'de use those but their kinda over used... But I guess I dont have choice

Originally posted by aboutasoandthis
The third was flat out pitiful. I could barely understand the point. This one sounded random. The words you used didn't really match each other. (Were you using satanic symbols or horror comedy?)

Ah read this post again and I just wanted to say for the third it wasn't so much random but I was trying to make it confusing like using different word's that not very many people use.  And as for the I HATE THE ****ing WORLD feel to them...Thank you actually thats kinda what I was saying except not quite I was thinking more as things I hate about the world but I do love the smell of rain.

[Phayre]

dont self subscribe

Er, wha? You mean "prescribe"?
Either way, no offense or anything, but tyhey sound like Avril Lavigne lyrics. Rhyming poetry can be exquisite. As can dark poetry. Check out some Poe, and not just the usual Annabel Lee and The Raven. Pick up an anthology and OD read. It's best to avoid rhyme at first, especially in a train of thought format like these poems are. Try just writing everything you're thinking, as it comes to you, in a run on sentence. Don't even think about whether it makes sense. Leave it for a day, then pick out a few lines that just seem right. Start with that, and just go. Then pick the poem apart, rip out lines, watch as it becomes a different being. Also, don't create symbols. Don't start by saying "blah represents blah" or whatever. Think of images, and use those. then come back. You'll see your own subconscious symbols in there, and they'll seem less forced.
There are only a few writers here at charas that I know of, and it's great to have another. Keep going, and you'll get better.

[Meiscool-2]

N00bpwner, you're an untied shoe.

[coasterkrazy]

I'm pretty big on poetry, and I have to say what everyone's saying is true, especially what Drag said about not thinking, "I'm gonna sit down and write poetry." I usually write poetry when I'm daydreaming or lost in thought. It can be about anything, but I often find myself becoming lost in deep thought and philisophical stuff. I also sometimes write prose the same way.

There are different types of poetry, and I don't mean the types like haiku, sonnet, etc. I mean how you want to approach it. I often make the first division of poetry into spoken and written.

Spoken poetry, while still interesting to read, is, as the name suggests, meant to be spoken and best when it is spoken. Slam poetry is always spoken poetry, but I'm not sure if you'd call them the same thing. Spoken poetry focuses on emotional social topics and can bring an audience to hysterical laughter or a river of tears (believe me I've seen some heartfelt slam poetry live).

Written poetry, however, is much different and I think it's what you're going for. I mentioned spoken just in case. As many have said, poetry in general doesn't need to rhyme. In fact, some may even mistake it for prose. The difference is, prose has a a plot, while poetry has a topic. If you want to use a rhyme scheme, make sure it's there for a purpose, not just so you can say, "It rhymes so that makes it poetry." Try to make something that says different things to anyone. Personally, I don't believe there's a such thing as a bad poem because it can really be anything. The difference between what people will like and people won't like, though, is if they can interpret it to mean something to them or if it portrays something about the author.

It's hard to explain, really, but I'm doing my best. A lot of great poetry, such as T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland," seems confusing and pointless, but the reason it's considered "great poetry" is because its words contain so much depth; one can just feel meaning in them, even if he or she doesn't actually know what they mean. And that's the fun part. No one has to know what it means to you if you're going for a poem that doesn't say something about you. I mean, it could, but if it's left open for interpretation, people can interpret it in different ways and really enjoy it.

I know I may not be a certified expert on the subject, but I have a lot of experience with both spoken and written poetry, being on the forensics team (don't ask, look it up you want) and part of the poetry club at my school.

Anyway, in the end, what matters most is your drive to do it. Everyone can say it sucks, but if you enjoy writing it and don't care what people say, go for it.

Since I've given this long speech and some might be skeptical, I'll post a poem, although I empathize when you worry about someone stealing it. Even if someone jokes that it's bad, hey, it's your work and no one has the right to claim it except you. Anyway, I wrote this a while back. Think what you will.

“Absorbed”

When I laugh,
when I cry,
when I live,
when I die,
will it be heard?
Will it be known? Understood?

What fabric is this,
that consumes my meaning?
My mind, my being,
can you not hear them screaming?

They need you,
so catch them.
I wish to give them to you,
certainly not throw them at you.

And I hope you’d do the same for me.

Do you know me?
Can you see me?
Somehow I doubt it,
if your walls are still mossy.

Yesterday I gave you a box,
and you peered inside.
I prayed you weren’t Pandora,
that I didn’t somehow give you cyanide.

Of course I must have been crazy though,
to think such things,
but how do I know?
Well all I can say is that I trust you,

And I hope you’d say the same about me.

So this is it,
there’s nothing left to say,
either you hear my plea,
or you don’t want to stay.




If you really care,
then proceed up the stairs,
leave a mark on my wall,
I’ll have known you were there,

And then I can feel,
that my mind is free,
to laugh,
to cry,
to live,
to die.

From the language of my heart,
I’ll explain it all,
it won’t be a display,
it won’t be absorbed into the wall.

I’ll tell you my tale,
and you’ll receive it, right?
If you don’t then this will have failed,
I’d have poured out my heart for no reason at all,
but it’s ok because I’d do it for you,

And I hope you’d do the same for me.



EDIT: I retract my statement that what everyone's saying is true. I don't think any poetry can be called "bad." Poetry just is. Believe in your own words.

Oh, and:

Moosetroop11
if the poem's serious, funny bits will just kill it.

I beg to differ. Check out Taylor Mali's "What Teachers Make." And programs of poetry, such as one I did this year with three poems by Taylor Mali, can go from funny and cute to heartfelt and serious, so long as they have a focus to them. It's true for slam poetry at least. As for written stuff, you might be right.

[drenrin2120]

Originally posted by Dragonium

Throwing random words and phrases together that rhyme is not poetry.

It worked for Bush... well, for a little while. and no, not president Bush.